Blotting papers, morphine, hair gel and other great inventions

There are some products that have been out in the market that make we wonder how I ever got by without them. One product that I use almost every day is blotting papers. They are little squares of really thin paper that you use to soak up excess oil from your face. I prefer them to powder because they remove the oil - not disguise it. I don't have any desire to go around with my face shining and I don't want to clog up my pores so blotting papers fit the bill perfectly. I'm not sure why the poor girl in this picture has black oil on her blotting paper. Mine doesn't look that way! Maybe it's just to show the viewer that the paper actually soaked up something. But I don't think a tarry looking substance is very effective. It's just gross. But then again, I guess paper that sucks up facial oil is gross, too.

Another item that has saved me on more than one occasion is morphine. If you're suffering from a broken bone or heart attack or some other ailment that makes you want to rip out your hair and scream like a banshee, there is a wonder drug called morphine that will allow you to have your fingernails ripped from their beds without caring. Being someone who has had more than my share of surgeries, I can attest to the wonders of morphine. I wouldn't recommend using it every day, but for the times when you have a broken bone protruding from your arm it's pretty damn good. Just remember to sign a waiver that clears you from any statement you might utter while under the influence. Because the stuff will make you not care about any and every thing.

Being a sufferer of bad hair brings me to the next wonder invention - hair gel. As a kid my Mom turned me on to Dippity Do. Some of the stuff available on the shelves today is basically the same exact formula as the gel of yesteryear. I've got fine, thin, flat, straight hair and without some type of heavy duty paste, I would look like a wet pup (with dry hair). I'm rather fond of punky, spiky hair and hair gel is just the answer for me. I can put in a dab or a handful and look somewhat stylish.

Some days my hair will stand on end like I want it to, other days it won't. With enough hair gel/paste/foam/mousse/lacquer anything is almost possible.

If it isn't possible, I'll resort to using the next great invention for man...Band Aids. Who doesn't love Band Aids? Kids all over the world have relied on the wonder strips to help heal microscopic scratches that are not visible to parent's eyes. My kids always had one or two Band Aids on. They can also serve as emergency tape if need be. Trust me, I've tried it.

I learned about a cool thing called a styptic stick. It's a rubbery looking stick of white stuff that you rub on cuts to make them quit bleeding. It's a wonder pencil! I'm the type that if cut or nicked, I tend to bleed for a long, long, looooooooong time. I use lots of Band Aids because my little cuts won't stop bleeding! I use the styptic stick in conjunction with a Band Aid (preferably Sponge Bob or Hello Kitty styled) and can manage not to ruin my clothes.

Another wonder tool? How about cooking tongs? They are seriously under appreciated tools! Who wants to try and flip a sizzling chicken fried steak with a fork? Not me! How about grilling? Oh sure, he-men might prefer wielding a huge 2'x 2' spatula but I don't have the muscles for it.

No matter how you look at it, there are all kinds of simple but important tools out there that we use every day that we would be lost without. The next time you slap on a Band Aid, be sure to say "thanks" out loud. Because without them, there would be lots of people moving about with bloody splotches on their clothes. And without tongs, there would be lots of burned fingers that needed Band Aids. And other things that would have oily faced, flat haired, psychotically pained people running everywhere. Think about it.