The main reason I don’t like shopping is because I’m not rich. I see tons of stuff I like but I can’t afford to buy most stuff and I end up feeling sad so I’d just rather not go shopping. That way I won’t feel bad. When I do shop, I’m very selective about who I will shop with. I’m what I call a skimmer shopper. I look over the tops of the racks rather than pawing through them. If I see a color or pattern I like, I’ll slow down and examine the item. If I don’t, I keep right on moving. This means that I shop speedy quick. And nothing drives me crazier than shopping with someone who looks at every item on the rack.
I went shopping with someone recently who is the slowest, most thorough shopper EVER. No, it’s not you Mom – you can roll with my idiosyncrasies, you’re cool. Not only does this person look at every-freaking-thing, they can’t make up their mind. They’ll over think their purchase until the garment in question purchases itself just to end the pain of decision!
Here’s a little bit of back-story on this particular shopping torture trip. My shopping companion looks at the ads in the paper every day. From 3 different papers. Each ad is read an average of 4 times. Out loud if anyone is near. On this particular outing I was looking for one item. A bra. But we had to look through about 4 fliers for the store. About 3 times. We finally got to the store and I made a beeline for the bras. We were in a small town so this store had about 4 small racks of bras, meaning it would take me about 37.5 seconds to make my choice and head for the dressing room. My shopping companion was blissfully combing through the sale racks in pursuit of a shirt that had been advertised in one of the 4 fliers. I tried on 2 different bras, determined that I was fatter than I thought and headed out to find larger sizes. My companion was in the same section of the same sale rack that she had been when I left previously. Uh oh, this was going to take longer than I had expected.
I managed to find a bra that would do for the time being, out of the shitty selection the store had and I was prepared to pay up and head out but nooooooooo. My companion wanted to find a style of shirt that was available in the FALL and this is SPRING. 40 minutes later I had tried on 3 shirts and 2 pairs of shoes and had paid for my items. My companion was still trying to decide whether to purchase the ONLY styled shirt she desired that fit and was it was only $9.00. Oh, and we had coupons for 20% off. 20 minutes later she was still trying to decide. In order to keep from being rude and screaming at her and flogging her and yanking out my remaining hair I elected to walk outside for a smoke. After another 10 minutes she came out and told me that she told the saleslady to hold it for her until she decided. I unfortunately snapped and told her that no, she was going to buy that shirt right then and that I had to go and couldn’t wait any longer. She went to the counter, used her coupon and ended up getting the shirt for about five dollars. I went home, threw up, drank 46 beers and tried to kill myself. If I manage to succeed in killing myself, because I might just try again later on from thinking about it again, bury me in my less than a minute bra and shirt. And make sure to do it quickly!!!!