Monday, October 31, 2011


I think I've mentioned a time or a thousand that I don't like daddy long leg spiders. I'm getting the shivers just looking at this picture! YUCK!

This past weekend, my youngest kidlet and I went with Manchild to our country place and had a little redneck fun. It's really nice now that the weather has cooled some. But there's something bad that happens when it cools off...the spiders try to move indoors. This means that I am on constant alert, making sure there's not a spider within 265 miles of me. Needless to say, I don't rest very easily because I'm always on the lookout.

I'm used to being in the shop and finding the little bastards er, the creatures crawling about. The first thing I usually do is hook up the air hose and blast the floor to kingdom come to make sure I've blown each and every spider out the door and on to greener pastures (3 counties away). And I always keep a long handled broom near me in case a rogue one makes it back inside, so I'm OK out there for the most part.

Being the "adult" female means I'm the one in charge of the meals. I love anything cooked on the grill, so I employ ours a lot.
That's not really our grill, I just thought it looked like something Manchild would froth at the mouth ove,r seeing as how it's a gun and all. Anyway...I was all set to begin our Friday evening grill fest. I had gathered lots of twigs (after making sure there were no spiders hitching a ride), and lots of firewood and was ready to set up the grill. That's when the first problem occurred. I was about to lift the lid of the grill when I noticed a gnarly, nasty, huge long leg spider sitting right by the handle...waiting to jump on my face or something horrible like that. I didn't have my trusty broom with me so I couldn't just sweep it off. I tried slamming the lid up and down so it'd succumb to brute force and fall off. It didn't work. I tried sweeping it off with a very long stick which didn't work. I finally rolled up a piece of newspaper and made myself get brave enough to get close to it and swat it away. The entire time I was doing this, I was squealing with horror and my hiney was cringing and my skin had broken out in Texas sized gross out goose bumps.

Spider hazard #1 was successfully averted! Hooray! The next step was to arrange all of the kindling and wood in the grill. That part went just fine - I was going to build a beautiful fire..................................................................................oops, sorry. I sort of went into la la land thinking about FIRE (sigh.....). The next step involved me getting down onto the ground so I could get my hand into the airspace below the wood, at the bottom of the grill. I opened the little air hole door and guess what was waiting for me there? ARRRRGHGHG, that's right! A dang stinkin' daddy long legs! I think at that point I lost consciousness for a second and maybe wet myself a little. All I know is when I got back to planet earth, I moved faster than a girl has ever moved away from a grill. Of course, I erupted into screams and yelps and lots of swatting at myself to make sure that spider hadn't jumped on me. My hair is only about 2" long but I pulled at it and brushed it with my hands and dislodged about 74,265 hairs trying to make sure there wasn't a spider hiding. I'm almost bald now.

If there was a spider right at the airspace door, there were probably THOUSANDS inside where I had to jam paper with my bare hands. I could practically hear their deadly teeth clacking and their gross legs banging around. And I had to stick my hand in there?!?!?!? EWWWWWWWWWWWW! Since I couldn't let Mr. Wonderful think that I was some kind of helpless Scarlett, I wadded up a ton of paper; enough that as long as I stuffed it in right at the door and kept stuffing it in there, I wouldn't have to put my hand inside. And it worked.

Did you happen to notice a large fireball in the sky Friday evening? I did it. I had stuffed enough paper in that grill in order to avoid those spiders, that I had a flame 500 feet tall. The paper combined with frying spiders (die ugly bugs, DIE!!!) was enough to light the whole county up. Well, not really but I did have lots of paper burning at first.  The fire was roaring in no time and the spiders that were stupid enough to hang on when I lit all of that paper on fire, had their grody, scary teeny legs burned right off and I didn't feel badly about it one bit.

My skin stopped tingling at about noon on Monday. I quit staring at the ground to make sure nothing would crawl up my leg. I felt a little safer. But I worry about the next cold snap that's heading my way. That will mean that more spiders will want to hide out where it's warm. I've got it! I'll move to the arctic and live in an igloo! Surely there aren't any spiders that live in ice! I'll send you a postcard.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Six Flags

It's a rite of passage for kids in Texas to go to Six Flags. I've been going there since I was riding in a stroller (last week...not really). Growing up with a bunch of stinky boys meant that I had to be fearless; otherwise I'd get left behind. So when we all went to Six Flags, I had to be brave enough to ride the big roller coasters. Luckily, being scared like that is right up my alley.

One of the first roller coasters I remember riding is the Runaway Mine Train. It's a classic coaster full of deep turns and stomach lurching drop offs. It's also...ahem, how do I put it...rough as hell. The turns are sharp enough and the seats are slippery enough to toss you about like a rag doll. Your shoulders could get bruised from being slammed against the side of the car.  It was more fun than it hurt so multiple rides were always in order.

Usually we would run full out to get to the next ride which was the Big Bend. It was an awesome coaster that created suspense while your car went around and around and around to get to the top of the hill. It was a metal coaster like the mine train but it was much smoother. I always thought it was a cool ride but I guess too many people got thrown off of it and it was removed from the park.
The next ride that we always had to visit were the old cars that you could drive. I always felt so cool on that ride because I was just a kid but I was driving a car! Never mind that there was a steel bar in the center of the "road" to keep the cars from crashing. I was just a kid but I was driving a car! It was always an insult to be relegated to the back seat as a passenger. That wasn't cool. Being front and center was the best because I was just a kid but I was driving a car!
One of the rides we always hit, even though we were big kids was the Mini Mine Train. It wasn't scary, your knees got banged from the tight quarters but you rode it anyway. I took my daughter on this ride a few years ago and she was scared to death. It took me 5 minutes to get her calmed down. I guess she's not a roller coaster fan.

By the time we had ridden the rides listed above, it was usually time to have one of these wonderful treats: Six Flags is the only place where I've had pink things. They were/are the most wonderful, sticky, sweet treat ever! We sometimes rinsed our sticky hands by riding the log ride. Who doesn't love the log ride???

It was always a challenge to get in the boat before my brothers so I could sit on a dry spot. More often than not, they shoved me out of the way and I ended up sitting on wet plastic anyway. We always tried to rock the boat but the dang things were too heavy to move much. I used to have dreams that I was riding along the flumes of the log ride only I wasn't in the log. I was just swimming along in the artificial blue water.

Another great water ride was the Cave. In there, you could cool off because the air conditioning was always blowing and it was dark. Even though I knew all of  the little characters along the ride were fake, they still creeped me out. They sort of remind me of an armadillo only creepier.

I haven't been to Six Flags in a couple of years. I'm not keen on waiting 45 minutes in a line just to ride a 25 second ride. I may go back one day but for now I'm good just reminiscing. Yep, I'll reminisce about swimming through the artificial blue waters of the log ride, thinking about how I'll keep from getting my shins knocked up when I ride the belt-thingy to the top of the hill. Then I'll imagine myself slip sliding down the hill and making a splash, only to start the whole thing over again. 

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Aunt Laura goes inner tubing

My in-laws used to have a party barge and we'd all pile on it and go out to some pretty awesome lakes in Arkansas. Sometimes we fished, sometimes we just putted around and once we went tubing. If you know anything about a party barge, you'll know that they don't go very fast. That's a good thing if you're the person being dragged behind it in an inner tube. 

There are some pretty sophisticated water toys out there these days. It's not like it was when I was a teenager. We used old inner tubes and you had to be careful to make sure the valve stem was pointed down, otherwise, you'd scratch your hiney all to heck. Now days, the tubes have cloth covers and hand holds and are big.

My brother in law had a strange type of tube that was sort of like the one in the picture:  To start, the rider had to perch on their knees at the back of the round thing until a certain speed was obtained. Since it had an opening at the front, massive quantities of water would pour in when the ride first got started. It took strength, balance, coordination and intestinal fortitude to master that ride.  

Aunt Laura tried to ride it but it didn't work out so well. In my opinion, the boat driver went a little too slow at the beginning so the tube bogged down with water. In the driver's defense, Laura was screaming for him not to go fast. The people in the next county over knew that whoever was being yelled at, should NOT       GO         FAST. Laura tried over and over to master that ride and each time she tried, she got a face full of water, or bogged down and couldn't get upright or a whole host of other things.

If you've ever tried water sports like this, you know how exhausting it can be. Constant swimming, fighting to keep your swimsuit on, trying to climb upright in a slippery wet tube that's bucking and sliding underneath you as well as trying to look cool and not show that you just ingested 45 gallons of lake water through your nose and it can wear a person out!! It wore Laura out. She tried a bunch of times and finally decided that she was finished. We motored around and pulled the boat up beside her so she could climb up. The poor girl was so tired, she couldn't get up on the deck of the boat. She tried and tried, her brother tried lifting her by joining hands all to no avail. Then, her brother got the bright idea to physically try to manhandle her out of the water. As he was trying to grasp her, she was trying to get out of the water and they both were not succeeding. Finally after a lot of grunting, groaning and struggling we all heard Laura yell at the top of her lungs "JUST GRAB MY ASS!!!!!" As soon as she yelled that, everyone on the boat got the giggles. It wasn't funny that she was too tired to get out of the water but it was funny to hear her bellow "JUST GRAB MY ASS!!!" The brother that was pulling on her collapsed in a heap, laughing his head off. All of the rest of us on the boat were laughing our heads off. But poor Laura was still stuck in the water. She was probably mad that we all weren't trying to help her out of the water since we were laughing so hard.

Laura finally got out of the water and after the worry that she'd have a heart attack passed, she got to laughing at what she said, too. For the rest of the weekend, "just grab my ass" was said over and over and there were many laughs. Thank gosh Laura is such a good sport. She laughs at herself which I think is big.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Just Because I Don't Like ___Doesn't Mean I'm Not An American!

Every where I go, I notice that people are all bongos over the Texas Rangers. They're so happy we made it to the world series, or super bowl or whatever you call it. Yes, it's true...I don't follow baseball. Or football, or hockey, or basketball, or cricket, or badminton, or synchronized swimming. I am not a sports nut. There are only two sports I like...12 oz. curls and rugby. You can understand the 12 oz. curls but rugby??? Yes, it's a hoot. I don't have too much of a clue what's happening but I get the gist of the game. I like the terms they use, too. See that wad of guys? That's called a scrum. Someone tosses the ball into the middle then all the guys pile up trying to get ahold of it. Eventually, the ball will squirt out, someone grabs it and off all of the guys go. It's nonstop action. I think this is the only sport that I actually watch for any length of time.

Up until 10 years ago or so, I did not like pizza. How odd is that? I think everyone in the entire United States likes pizza but I didn't. I do now, but it took me a long time to get to this point. I think I got started on it one day when I didn't have any choice but to eat pizza or go hungry. Hunger won. I still disguise the taste a little by dipping my pizza in ranch dressing or thousand island dressing but I can eat it now.

I didn't like peanut butter and jelly either. I used to eat peanut butter and mayonnaise, or jelly and mayonnaise, but not peanut butter and jelly together. Again, I was really hungry and pb&j was my only option. Now I love the stuff. I still eat peanut butter and mayonnaise but not as much as I used to.

I don't think that not liking these things makes me un-American. I just have a different palette than 99.9% of the people out there. I'm not a picky eater - I just have super duper refined tastebuds. Yeah, that's it...I have super duper refined tastebuds. Maybe as I get older, I'll find more foods that everyone else likes but I don't. And I'll try them with gusto. Just don't make me eat anything that green peppers or pepperoni. I'll never go near it.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Did you know that I've been to Bucksnort, Tennessee?

I am not a world traveler by any means but I have been to some cool places. I visited the alien museum in Roswell, New Mexico and saw a "dead alien". I visited Bottomless State Park in Texas and tried to see the bottom of the lake (I couldn't). I've been to the Muir woods and stood inside of a tree to have my picture taken.

When Mr. Wonderful and I traveled to get married, we passed through a town with an amazing name; Bucksnort. How about that?!? I wonder who got the great idea to name a town Bucksnort? We were on a mission to get to our destination so we could get hitched, so we didn't stop but it was definitely in our plans to stop on the way back. I waited in great anticipation to visit a town with such a memorable name.

We had a wonderful trip and the wedding was awesome; everything went off without a hitch. When it was time to head home, I kept my eyes peeled for the road signs announcing the exit to Bucksnort. We found it and got off the highway but all we saw was a gas station/mini mart and a pinball gallery. We went into the mini mart because I wanted a souvenir. It was a tiny place and there weren't any customers inside so I quizzed the cashier about the location of the town and it's name. As it turned out, the gas station/mini mart WAS the town headquarters/town hall/epicenter. The origin of the name was a mystery but apparently it had garnered enough attention, they decided souvenirs were in order. They had t-shirts and water bottles and cheesy tchotchkes just like a Stuckey's would have only the name on the items was totally awesome. I got an awesome water bottle but I don't want to use it too much because I don't want the name to rub off.

Bucksnort is even mentioned in Wikipedia! Here's what it says about notable residents:
Notable residents
Wrestlers Bunkhouse Buck and "Dirty White Boy" Tony Anthony (aka T.L. Hopper) call Bucksnort home, and professional wrestler "Dirty" Dutch Mantel often was billed as being from the town.

I hope to visit Bucksnort again some day. The next time I'm there, I'm going to get a t-shirt. In the mean time, I guess I'll have to be pleased with visiting places like Krum, Venus, Kemp, Styx, Mabank, Lively, Little Egypt, Jiba and others. Keep in mind, the next time you travel and see a goofy named town, stop and get yourself a souvenir. You'll be glad you did and will probably get a chuckle out of it to boot. And be sure to take pictures! There are people out there who just might not believe you when you tell them where you've been.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Yep, it's definately been 30 years

So, my oldest friend in the world and I went to our 30 year high school reunion last weekend. Both of us have lived away from the town for 20+ years but we still wanted to go back. I actually moved away after the end of my freshman year but I still wanted to attend. I was more excited about attending a school reunion I didn't graduate from than the school reunion I did graduate from!

I was a little nervous because I wasn't sure if I'd know anyone attending besides my bestie. I spent the first evening asking people - "Do you know me?" I was pleasantly surprised to find that quite a few people did know me. Some people knew me but I didn't know them! As you can tell from the hideous school picture above, I was a skinny little thing. As you can tell by the picture here I am NOT a skinny little thing any more. I wondered if they'd recognize me.  Thankfully (sort of), there were many people who had "blossomed" since the early 80s. Look at the picture...Ka-roe as I like to call her is in the best shape ever...she's pure muscle. I've softened. Like a overripe peach. Heck, my gut is almost as big as Mr. Wonderful's! But this isn't a talk about going to seed, it's about re-yoon-yuns!

It was so fun to stroll down memory lane (what memories are still accessible). I had one event that I've felt badly about since I was a freshman and thanks to some of the people I talked to last weekend, I found out that I had been wasting my energy. I had been forgiven long long ago.  Some people were able to fill in the facts of parties I had attended but couldn't remember. I met a few people that I didn't remember but would sure like to know now. I found long lost friends that turned out to live nearby, so we will be getting together in the near future. All in all it was a great experience and I look forward to seeing my new friends and old friends soon.

Life is short, don't lose touch with people who mean something to you. It only takes a few minutes to place a phone call or write a note. I bet you'll be better off for it.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Halloween at my house

Halloween is awesome. Halloween rocks. I live all year in anticipation of Halloween. It's my most favorite day of the entire year. I've spent years collection decorations. As you can see, I dress up every year and either go trick or treating with my kids, or dress up and stay home to scare the kids, er hand out candy. That's Aunt Laura in the gold and black. This picture was taken shortly before we went to a haunted house and she punched a cop.

Here are a few looks I'm considering this year (thanks to PhotoBooth).

Do you like any of these? They might take some radical surgery to achieve the looks but you have to admit, they're funny. I'm not sure what costume I'll wear. I've been dead, a witch, an alien, a killer clown, a Mexican dude with a huge moustache, a bag lady and a pregnant cheerleader among other things. I still have a week to figure out but if you have any good ideas, be sure to let me know will ya? Otherwise, I'll turn up on your doorstep, take all of your candy and toilet paper your house.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Lizzie and Aunt Laura Rent a Motor Home

Some years ago my sis in law Laura and I got the bright idea to rent a motor home so we could travel to a family function in comfort. We did lots of research before choosing a unit that we thought we could handle. My husband at the time was wary of the idea because he thought he'd end up having to drive the whole way and doing all of the work. Part of the deal in getting him to agree was that Laura and I promised that we would do all of the driving and maintenance (hooking and unhooking the sewer drains, etc.). True to our word, we did all of the driving. We had never driven anything so big, but we figured it out pretty quickly.

We wanted our trip to be memorable so we came up with all kinds of decorations and accessories. We made up t-shirts that said
"White Trash Tours" and they had titles of all of the occupants traveling; Laura was the captain, I was the navigator, our nephew was the entertainment, my spouse was the chief cook & bottle washer. We also decided to decorate the RV by hanging bright pink dingle balls all the way around the windshield. We wanted to look really spiffy when we camped for the night so we invested in some tacky party lights. We also had a token astro turf door mat with a plastic daisy. And of course, we had pink yard flamingos.
We were unforgettable. I'm sure our neighbors were envious.

Things went pretty good but we had one nagging problem...the mirror on the driver's side kept moving out of position. We'd tighten the screw to make it stay put and within an hour or so, it'd slide right back to an unuseable angle. We finally ended up using the worlds greatest repair tool - duct tape. It worked fairly well.

One evening we stopped at a beautiful camp ground and had a lovely dinner and peaceful rest. The next morning when we were ready to take off, the engine wouldn't start. My spouse is a guy who can fix absolutely anything and he deduced that the RV had blown a fuse. We replaced the fuse and it blew again. Aunt Laura and I decided to hike to the park ranger station for help. We must have walked over a mile (in flip flops) before we found anyone. Luckily he took pity on us and gave us a ride back to the RV. He looked at the motor with Mr. Fix It and they deduced that a fuse was indeed the culprit. We finally managed to get the thing running and hightailed it to the nearest town that had an auto parts store and purchased dozens of fuses.
The rest of our trip went pretty well. We had a good time at our destination and enjoyed living in a 28 foot tin can. We even made popcorn while barreling down the road at 75 mph.

This trip was to become one of 3 such RV road trips. Each motor home had it's own quirks that we dealt with. One of the RVs was horribly rattly. You couldn't converse without yelling to hear over all of the rattles. Another one was pretty nice but that time there were 5 adults (one of whom was 8 months pregnant (me)) and a 5 year old kid all crammed inside. That trip was pretty crowded but we still had fun.

It's been a few years since I've rented an RV and gone somewhere but I hope to do it again soon. When I do, I'm sure I'll wind up getting a rattly, fuse popping, mirror swinging coach and I won't care a bit. That's just part of the fun. It's what makes the memories even better. Try it some time, I'm sure you'll have a blast.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Aunt Laura & The Haunted House

My sister in law and I are a lot alike. We have the same sense of humor, we have the same illnesses, we both like her brother. She's not afraid to be silly and have fun. Once we went gambling and while exiting the parking lot, we spotted the casino lawman on a bicycle (which we found funny). We proceeded to get his attention and ask him if he'd let us take our picture with him. He agreed. Then we told him that we wanted him to handcuff us and lean us over the trunk of a car like he was arresting and searching us. He was a good sport and went along with us. It was a great picture.

On that same trip, we pulled together all of our dollar bills and fanned them out in our hands like we were showing off our winnings, and we stood in front of the rattiest Winnebago you've ever seen. We were acting like we won lots of money and that fabulous motor home. That's the kind of stuff we like to do.

This story is about the times we've been together to haunted houses. The first time, Laura's brother, my ex went with us. We picked out a good looking haunted house and got ready for some good scares. I have to elaborate a little bit by saying that Laura is a little bigger than me. When going through haunted houses, Laura manhandles me and uses me as a shield. I don't really have much choice in the matter. She just lifts me up and moves me wherever she wants to.

So the three of us started out in the haunted house and things are going swimmingly.
We jumped and screamed and generally had a wonderful time. We made it through the haunted house without incident until near the very end. I had survivied being used as a shield and tossed about like a rag doll, and her brother, my ex, seemed to be having a good time. Then disaster struck. Someone jumped out and spooked Laura a lot. She decided to run the rest of the way out but it was so dark, it was really hard to see where we were going. Unfortunately, Laura mistook one of the walls for an opening and she charged into it, knocking down the wall. This falling wall started a chain reaction of other walls falling. Laura and I were cackling to beat the band! We were laughing so hard, seeing was even more difficult. Her brother, my ex was absolutely mortified.

Long story short, we hightailed it out of there after 3 walls came down. We didn't pass go, we didn't stop to collect $100.00, we didn't even say goodbye. We just ran for our car and got out of there as fast as we could.

The next year, Laura came back to the big city and this time she brought a friend who was a laid back, mild mannered sort of shy girl. We dressed up in costumes and took my girls trick or treating which was a blast. Then we left the girls with Laura's brother, my ex (he was kind to babysit while we went out and played), and we went out to find a haunted house.

We wound up at a haunted house that was put on by the Dallas Police Department. It was really cool and we were super excited. As usual, I ended up being Laura's shield. Her friend couldn't do anything but laugh her head off the whole time. The haunted house was fun and I was being flung about like a rag doll for a while and then Laura let go of me. In that short time, a ghoul startled her and do you know what she did???? She punched that ghoul right in the face. And it wasn't a little tap either! She decked that ugly dude! He grabbed his face and started moaning and Laura realized what she did and immediately started apologising. She basically drug the poor guy outside and continued to apologise. The ghoul (a COP!!!) was cool about it. Apparently he touched her which was what set her off and he admitted that he shouldn't have touched her. He apologised for scaring her and she apologised for beating him up.

We didn't get arrested and we had a great time. I haven't gotten to go trick or treating with her in quite a few years and I sure do miss it. I haven't been to a haunted house since then and I want to go. I hope she comes back to town so we can go again. I know it's a little akward since I'm no longer married to her brother but I still love them both and she and I are still capable of "bringin' down the house". The haunted house that is!

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Paying it Forward

Recently I wrote about how I offered an older lady a ride home late at night because I didn't want her travelling by herself. She asked me if she could pay me but I refused. I told her to pay it forward. Last week I had another opportunity to help someone and suggested that they pay it forward. Today, I think the good karma made its way back to me.

Where I work we have a cafeteria and we can set up money accounts to use rather than carrying cash every day. The cashiers who work there are always understanding if we get lunch but don't have enough money in our account. They trust us to go back later and pay. Today I ordered my lunch and when I went to pay for it - you guessed it - my account didn't have enough money in it. I was going to go up to my desk, get some money and return to refill my account but before I had the chance, a lady I'm acquainted with insisted on paying for me. I told her I'd be up to her desk shortly to pay her back and she refused. She told me to pay it forward.

How cool is that?!? I've been on a huge pay it forward crusade and I'm the recipient for today! Even my young daughter is in the pay it forward mode. She's learning about Rachel's Challenge. That's about a girl who was bullied and ended up dead. The schools around here are promoting it like crazy (which I appreciate) so my daughter is all about being kind to others and in turn, they'll be kind to others.

I've been feeling like our world is going to hell in a hand basket for a while and it pleases me to no end when I come across genuinely good people. My hopes get up that things are improving. I'm going to keep on paying it forward, and preach it to anyone around me that will listen. Big movements begin with one person and I'm willing to step up to the plate. Do you want to join me?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tales of my Fabulosity (or Gross-u-osity)

I am sort of klutz. No, make that...I AM a klutz. And I love to laugh at myself when I goof up. I've also been told that my laugh is unique. What people are really saying is that I sound like a donkey when I laugh. I think I can be heard about a block away when I get a case of the giggles. If I'm really trying to supress a laugh, I usually end up shooting snot out of my nose because I have a lot of laughs in me and it's hard to hold them back! That's really ladylike, isn't it?

I have another special talent which started after I had my first baby. If I laugh too hard or sneeze or hiccup I accidentally...ahem, how do I say this...sort of potty my pants a tiny bit. It's really aggrivating. I have heard from some of my friends who have had children that this is quite common, but COME ON! Seriously? I'm only 48! I don't want to have wear Pampers for Mommies just yet.
Talk about feeling gross! I know that there are exercises to help curb that particular problem and I do them but they aren't helping.

So, to give you clearer picture of a typical day, I'll write a little script;

Me: Hey girlfriend, how's it going?

Friend: Pretty good. Did you hear the one about the frog?

Me: Frogs are pretty funny just as they are. (small giggle and a snort)

Friend: Yeah, they have goofy feet.

Me: Oh my gosh(a little bit of snot flies out of my nose when I snort before laughing) those toes look like they have suction cups on the ends of them. (tee hee, ha ha, HEE HAW, HEE HAW)

Friend: Yeah, and I like how they can lick their own eyeball!

Me: Oh man, that's so gross! I wish I could lick my own eyeball. (Hee Haw, HEE HAW, HEE HAW!! ) Imagine if you had an eye booger and you licked your eye...yuck!! Hee Haw, HEE HAW, HEE HAW)...uh oh, I tinkled myself.

Friend: (Snort) That's stupid. (Ha ha) Uh oh, I tinkled myself, too! Gross! ha ha

Me: That's what you get for making fun of me, ya goob. (Hee Haw, HEE HAW, HEE HAW, snort with snot, cough. More tinklets.

See, it's terrible! And speaking of snot coming out of your nose when you snort, how embarrasing is that? Especially if you're at lunch. You quickly look around to see if anyone noticed that you snotted at the table. You don't want them to think that you're flavoring your salad for Pete's sake!

Eye boogers...I know I'm not the only one who has those. Mine aren't actually boogers per se; no, I think my eyeliner slides off and runs into the corner of my eyes. Then I worry that it looks like I'm about to cry black tears so I constantly dab at the corner of my eyes to make sure there's nothing there. Because there's nothing more distracting than looking at someone who has black eye junk practically spilling out of their eyes. You dab your own, hoping that they'll get the subtle hint and wipe their own. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Let's talk about heel cracks. In the summer my heels get all dry and nasty and look like the Grand Canyon in places. They didn't used to do this but now they do. Is that like some "gift" Mother Nature gives you when you get above age 30? Pedicures help the situation but I don't have $30 to spend every week. Check out the section of the clip at 6:28 - 6:35 and you'll see what I mean...

Ah, growing up...ok, not growing up, how about things that happen to you as you get older? I know all of these things I've told you are nasty but I betcha five bucks that you can relate or have had them happen to you. You might not tinkle yer britches or have eye boogers; maybe you gleek when you talk. Maybe you snore. There's got to be something that you do that you wish you didn't. I've shared some of my "talents" with you so maybe you can share some with me. Just don't describe them too funny or I'm liable to tinky winky or snort or hee haw.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Self Destruction

I am my own worst enemy. I do things to myself good and bad without even thinking about it. For instance…I smoke. Now, you’d have to live in a cave in the middle of nowhere for your entire life to not know that smoking is bad for you. I know it’s bad for me, so why do I do it? I’m fond of beer. I know it’s ok to have a beer or maybe two now and again but why do I have 4 in one sitting? And in some weeks, a couple of days in a row. Why? Even though I drink light beer, I know that I’m gonna pack on the pounds. And why 4? How come 1 or 2 isn’t enough?
I am on a variety of medications and it’s important that I take them as prescribed. Otherwise, my blood pressure is going to skyrocket and my arthritis will flare up and I’ll be miserable. I have a handy dandy medication box that has spiffy little boxes for each day of the week. All I have to do is load them up once a week then remember to take them each morning and all will be well. But do I do that? Recently, no. The handy dandy pill box is right by my toothbrush, so it’s not like I can’t find it. It’s sitting right in front of me, reminding me to take my meds but days can pass before I pick up the dang thing and swallow down those pills. That’s not smart!

One of the secrets to a good marriage is good communication and yet, I neglect to fill Mr. Wonderful in on upcoming events until the day of and then he’s mad because I sprung something on him he wasn’t expecting. That isn’t fair. And I have no clue why I do that. Maybe I don’t want him to say “no” to my grand plan. But then again, I have to live through the anticipation of seeing if he’s going to say yes or no to my ideas. To defend myself I will say that even if I ask him about an upcoming event, unless it’s majorly important, he usually won’t commit because he says he doesn’t know what the particular day will be like.

A few years ago I went through the divorce diet and I came out of it looking pretty good. I was slim and trim. I loved it because my clothes fit really well and I got compliments. So what have I done in the time since then? I drank my beer and ate junky stuff and now I’m right back where I started. How incredibly stupid is that?
I’m the hardest on my body. I don’t exercise, I eat junk, I smoke and when I get sick, I avoid going to the doctor until I’m so miserable it takes longer to get well than usual. For 4-5 years my back hurt but I kept pushing it under the rug. I mentioned it to my doctor but I didn’t actively try to get to the bottom of it. And when I finally did, I ended up having to have major surgery because so much damage was done, my body couldn’t heal itself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.
Why do I do this?!?!? I have a great husband and kids. I should do everything in my power to stay alive and well so I can enjoy them. I scold myself constantly for being such a dummy and sometimes I do better for a while. Then I slide back down into the muck that is my idiot brain. I sure wish there were something that would make me straighten up and fly right. I’m 48 years old and I should know better. I wonder, do any of you do stupid stuff like me? I’d love to know.
I guess I’ll keep muddling along, trying to do better and hope that I don’t bring some calamity upon myself. Wish me luck – I think I’m going to need it.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Frigid Doug

My brothers and I had a friend, Doug who was very fond of air conditioning. He had his own window A/C unit in his room and he kept it freezing at all times. Usually, it was colder in his room in the summer than it was in the winter! He also had a very good A/C in his car.

Speaking of Doug's car, let me tell you a little story about cars, sunflower seeds and Batman.  Doug had a late 70's model car. I'm not sure what kind it was. Suffice it to say it was a land yacht. The A/C in that thing could freeze you out! The car had vinyl bench seats and when he'd take a corner too fast, you were likely to slide all over the place across the seats. Doug was fond of doing "bat turns."  He'd basically fail to slow down when turning corners. We thought it was hilarious.

Since the car was a bit on the old side, he didn't strive to keep the thing spotless either. He loved sunflower seeds but rather than spitting the hulls out the window or into a trash can, Doug just spit them on the floorboards! You never knew what you'd find on those floorboards. Cups, sunflower seeds, trash, mud, probably bugs and worse.  Are you getting the picture yet?

I mentioned that Doug liked to keep his environment cold and I am not understating this. To ride in his car was like riding in a refrigerator! It was brutal! The A/C was always on full blast, as cold as it could get. I wound up looking like the guy pictured here, minus the snotty moustache. Usually I'd forget how cold it was in the car and I'd end up having to rummage around looking for clothes left in there, and would layer as best as I could.

One night my brothers and I went riding around town with Doug just for jollies. Luckily, it was fairly late in the evening and there weren't too many cars out which probably saved our lives. Doug decided to do a "siren run" down the main drag. What is a siren run you ask? Doug's siren run involved speeding down the main drag at about 50-60 miles per hour, honking the horn and blasting through stoplights, whether they were red or green. We made it through that portion of the ride without getting killed but the bat turn turned out to be our downfall.

Picture this...a crazy man drives a late model land yacht like a madman, blasting through intersections without slowing down, honking the horn, with passengers inside shivering and freezing, sunflower seeds and discarded cups swirling about the cabin and the radio blaring. Oh yeah, and every person in the car was screaming like it was the end of the world (it added to the atmosphere). Crazy man decides to do his famous bat turn only he misjudges the turning area and the rear wheel slams into a culvert and blows out. I think it ruined the rim also. We were somewhat outside of town, off the beaten path and this was in the days before cell phones so we were stuck. Fortunately, a friend drove past and saw us and helped us out by giving us a wheel to use.

You'd think that after what happened we'd be shaken up and would want to go home. Nope. We put that borrowed tire on the car and headed to the store to buy more beer so we could ride around for a while longer. I can't remember for sure, but I'd bet you a dollar Doug bought sunflower seeds to share with everyone. Kids, don't ever try this yourself. We were young and stupid. We had a blast but were awful lucky we didn't get killed. It makes me cold just thinking about it all. ;-)

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

She's growing up too fast!

My baby girl just turned 18. It feels like yesterday that she was tiny like this. 
She was born in early October and it was still warm outside. I was paranoid because I heard that tiny babies don't have much body fat so it was important to keep them warm. Boy howdy did I keep her warm! I dressed her in long sleeved baby gowns and constantly kept a blanket over her. On her 10th day of life on the outside, I took her for a stroller ride to a nearby grocery store. I had her so wrapped up, I imagine she was close to heat stroke. She had a couple of blankets over her and I had the cover of the stroller pulled up so she was sort of hermetically sealed in a worrywart's baby cocoon.

She had a scratchy little voice and made mewling sounds all of the time so I knew that naming her Katherine was the right choice because I could call her Kat. She sounded like one and she was named Kat. As a toddler, she had really curly hair that was so dang cute. I loved to watch her run around and watch those curls bounce. I continued to dress her very warmly so she wouldn't get chilled and get sick. The sweat on her brow didn't do much to clue me in.

I finally got the hang of being a mom and learned to trust my instincts. I quit burying her in clothes and blankets and she was just fine. I've been with her through illness, heartbreak, and joy and am so proud of her. I wish I could pick her up and hold her in my lap like I could do when she was little. I guess I'm lucky because she still gives me lots of hugs and even calls me "Mommy" instead of plain old Mom.  I just can't believe that 18 years went by so quickly. I would like for time to slow down, please. I need more days with my girl. Before I know it, she'll probably be married with kids of her own. And I'll still want to pick her up and hold her in my lap.

I'll want to pick her up and hold her in my lap for the rest of my life because she's my baby girl. And she's already 18 years old now. Time flies.........

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Goofy Photos

I love goofy photos. I have a whole photo album devoted to goofy or really bad photos that I keep on my coffee table. I love photos of people who have one eye 1/2 closed or who are making a really odd face because the shutter clicked at the wrong moment. Animals make me laugh too if you catch them at the right moment. Remember the movie Turner & Hooch? There's a great big, slobbery dog running and his mouth is the funniest thing ever. I laughed until I cried over this.

I just love silliness. Any time I find funny pictures, I keep them and use them for screen savers. Here are a few of my favorites:


There are so many more but I'd take up all of the storage there is out there in cyberspace. I hope you've enjoyed this little tour through my twisted mind. Feel free to share and classics you might have.