Friday, August 31, 2012

The Face

My daughters and I have a special face that we make at one another all the time. It's pretty dang goofy and it looks something like this:
The trick to making a good tooth face is to dry off the top teeth so that your lip stays stuck up above them. Then you have to bug your eyes way out.
You end up looking like a maniac.

My oldest kidlet has the best eyes for the tooth face because they're so big. Hey, do you like my 17 chins in the last picture? Do you like looking up my nostrils? Try it! It's fun!

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Freakin' worms!

I found the grossest worm on my flower bush the other day. This thing was HUGE! And gross!

It was very fat and had some kind of stinger-thingy on it's hiney. I was so grossed out by it, I had to use pruning shears to knock it off of the plant because I didn't want to take any chance on touching it. Once it was on the ground I watched it for a minute to make sure it was dead. You see, when I used the pruning shears to grab it, they sort of cut the worm and when I forcefully flung (with about 72,000,000 psi of force) it on the ground it looked dead because it had green goo seeping from it's body.A few minutes later I passed the worm again and it was moving! I can get so grossed out by worms, my gag reflex takes over and I start heaving when I look at one. And since the killer worm wasn't dead, I was heaving and hollering for Manchild to please go ahead and kill it all the way. I was repulsed and yet I didn't want to let it lie there and suffer. I don't know if worms suffer but I didn't want to take a chance on going to hell for worm cruelty.

My man finally put the poor/awful worm out of it's misery then took great delight in acting like he had picked it up to put on my kidlet. You could hear that kid screaming a block away I bet. She's so goofy. She acts terrified of whatever Manchild is doing but she always goes back for more. But I digress... I've looked at the flower bush that had the worm, and haven't seen any more. Maybe they're afraid to get on it since I murdered one of their cousins. That's me...a worm murderer! Call the cops! I'm a worm murderer!

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

An Ode to Aunt Sandy

You were loud and crass
and you didn't have too much class
but your heart was true
and I loved you
and I'm gonna miss your sorry ass.

You fed us beans
and we always had fun
even though money was lacking
and you were Atilla the Hun
And I'm gonna miss your sorry ass.

You were tough as an old boot
but had a heart of gold
you always said "shit" not "shoot"
and I never thought you'd get old
and I'm gonna miss your sorry ass.

I'll miss you Aunt Sandy
I'll miss you a lot
and even though you weren't handy
You got what I "got"
and I'm gonna miss your sorry ass.

You raised good children
with values that were true
you did it out of convention
but you know they loved you
and I'm gonna miss your sorry ass.

You'll never be forgotten
and I'll always laugh when I think of you
you were a unique person
that much is true
and I'll miss your sorry ass.

I love you Aunt Sandy. You were one of a kind, golden, unforgettable.

Monday, August 27, 2012

In a quandry

I'm in a quandary today. I got some devastating personal news but there's been other sad news in my family and I feel guilty for having a pity party about myself when other things are so much worse. My aunt, my Dad's only sister died yesterday. They weren't close but's his sister. If one of my brothers died, I'd want to die, too. I am heartbroken for the family my aunt left behind and can't imagine what they must be going through.

My news was devastating to me because it's something I didn't want to hear but knew was coming. My health is pretty good except for an illness I have that causes my body to fight and destroy any and all connective tissue. Because of this disease, I've had to go through total joint replacements in two separate surgeries on my jaws. Then my back fell apart and I had to have 4 vertebra fused. That was pretty tough - I still haven't recovered from that. Today I found out that the same thing that happened to my back is happening to my neck vertebra. That means that I'll get to have another surgery and more fusions and rods.

I have to admit that that news was totally sucky. I've cried multiple times this afternoon. I know that I'm headed down a long road of more intense pain than normal and I just don't want to do it! Most of the time I can focus on people who have it way worse than I do but just for today I'm saying 'why me?'

My beloved mother is fighting an infection that will take over a year to defeat and she feels like shit. Why can't I focus on her? I'm sure that tomorrow I will. But today I want to cry and scream and get drunk and have a gi-normous pity party. My quandary is that tomorrow, I'll be beating myself up for being so selfish. A week from now I'll be beating myself up for being so selfish. Until I have my neck rebuilt I'll be beating myself up for being so selfish. then I'll be having a pity party because I feel so badly until I heal. Then I'll worry what joint is going to fall apart.

On a lighter note, my family will make some good money off of my remains. Do you know how much titanium sells for???? I've got a couple of pounds in my body by now and will be getting some more so they'll be rich, hopefully. Sorry everyone, for bitching and moaning. It's a temporary thing. Usually, I don't want anyone to know how horrible I actually feel. You just caught me in a weak moment. Sorry

What's he so mad at???

Manchild comes home nearly every single day with some story to tell me. It's usually about a dog or cat or chicken that he's met but lately, all he ever tells me is about how much he hates driving in traffic. And he isn't calm when he's telling me, either. He's loud and rather irate. I hate to tell him, but he can't get away from traffic. He's a public servant, and he has a county to patrol. His job IS driving! And he chose to marry a girl who lives in the city, so that means he lives in the city, too. Do you get my drift? Besides, who could be irate when they have THIS to come home to?

OK, I don't have a gold tooth, but I always greet him with a smile.

Lately, what used to be a charming idiosyncrasy has turned into a real annoyance. I've written before about how my first husband was a very quiet man, so I'm not used to loud men. Manchild is the total opposite. He's loud in everything he does. He talks loud, he coughs loud, he blows his nose loud, he breathes loud. And even though I've been with him 4 years, when he starts ranting and raving about something, I get nervous. Hearing him rant and rave about his hatred of stupid drivers and of traffic is starting to bother me. I know he's not yelling at me, but it feels that way. He's told me that he's not griping at me or because of me - he's just griping but I still don't like it.

I'm learning that negativity can get really old, really fast. I've tried telling my man that he needs to chill out or else he's going to have a heart attack but it hasn't phased him. The scary point is that I'm getting to the point where I don't want to hear it any more. I know he needs to vent, but I don't want to hear it day in and day out. I guess I should be grateful that he claims to need my support. I'm just tired of ugliness. There's enough of that in the world already. I'm no doctor but I do know that stress and anger will kill you as quickly as a blocked artery. (Well, maybe not but it sounded official!) I don't want to be a widow yet. I'm not sure how to get him to mellow out and accept that you can't change that which you have no control over. Maybe I'll just have to send him to the little house in the woods to live and I'll only see him on the weekend. At least that way he'd be alive. Any tips? Anyone???

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Talking to teens

I am a young spirited 49 year old woman. In my mind, I'm still very young and hip and my teenage daughters' friends want to talk to me and hang out with me. They secretly want to share all of their thoughts with me. I'm one of "them!" OK, that's not reality I know. Most times I have to remind myself of that fact when there's a house full of teens I'm not invited to their party.

I don't want to accept the fact that when they look at me they see a Mom or an adult (yeah, right! got those suckers fooled).

I also think that I'm hip and cool. The teens just don't know that.

I'm down. Fo-shizzle! Well, I'm down to the fact that I can't use all of "their" terms and sound cool. I heard another adult using teen terminology and they just sounded silly so I guess I'll have to drop the street slang. Except for the word "fo-shizzle" because that just sounds cool. Maybe I'm cool just because of the fact that I let them do their thing for the most part, and I don't ask too many questions and leave them alone. Because it seems like there's always kids hanging around my house. So it MUST mean I'm cool. Because they want to be around ME. FO-SHIZZLE!!!

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

What a world...

I just got finished reading my neighborhood crime watch article and boy, am I pissed! Burglaries are happening at an alarming rate. My neighbor had someone attempt to break into their car - during the day - and luckily they had a video camera setup so they noticed it was happening. The owner of the car ran outside after the would be thief and caught up to him. The thief swore up and down that he wasn't the person she saw on the video even though she had him clearly in the film. My neighbor called the police who showed up pretty quickly but the thief got away.

My home was burglarized and the a-holes took everything of value that I had. It wasn't a lot but it was all I had and they took it. I'm still mad about it. I took the usual precautions and installed a lock on my gate and installed video surveillance cameras and so far, I haven't been "hit" again but I'm always on the lookout. Having my neighbor almost get robbed got me all in a dither all over again.

What the heck people?!?!? It doesn't seem as if anything is sacred anymore. Thugs just want a quick buck and don't even think about what they're doing to the people they steal from. I'm usually a lover not a hater but my mind is slowly starting to change. If it were allowed, I think I'd carry a gun and if anyone was even looking like they were up to no good, I'd want to fire a warning shot really close to their head. I think the countries where cutting off a thief's hand is allowed are on to something. If public hand removal from thieves was commonplace, maybe our criminals would think twice about stealing. Scumbags.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Video EDIT!!!!!!!!!

Back in my young hot body wild and woolly days I made a video. It was one of those kinds of videos that you NEVER show to anyone. Only I did show it to someone by accident. I accidentally showed it to my mother and father in law!

It went something like this: One morning I was awakened by an ear splitting bird party. There had to have been 200 blackbirds in my back yard just squawking away. It was so amazing I grabbed the video camera and filmed them. Cool, something awesome to show my future children.

Prior to the bird party video by about 5 years, the hubs and I had a wild, drunken party and some of us wound up dancing pure nekkie to bad 80's music. We thought it would be a great idea to break out the video camera and film ourselves busting some serious moves. I can't remember now, but I bet we thought we looked pretty great break dancing with our tidbits flopping around.

Fast forward about 5 years to the visit we had with the in-laws, when the subject of bird parties came up. I remembered the bird party video I had made so I decided to show it to them. Can you guess what happened? Yep, I rewound the video tape too far back and when I hit "play", right there on the big screen - huge images of drunken people dancing and shaking their tidbits all over the place! The video only played for a split second before I hit the "off" button but it was enough. My father in law said 'those were some happy naked dancing people!' I was completely mortified. I immediately snatched up the camera and raced off to the bathroom so I could erase the evidence. I had a hard time looking my in-laws in the eye for the rest of their visit. I was just too embarrassed. I sure learned a lesson that day! Luckily, my in-laws never brought up the subject again. And I don't have to worry about it ever happening again because all the evidence is long gone. Even if I did have a video camera, I'd never do that again.

The thing that made me think back to this was because the other night, I was walking through the house (nekkie) and in walked my daughter and her boyfriend! I don't know who started having the bigger heart attack - me or my daughter! It wasn't like I was walking around that way at 7 pm either. This was about 2 in the morning! Dang it! Can't a girl go nekkie in her own house at 2 am if she wants to? Oh least I wasn't having a drunken party with lots of nekkie dancers when the kids walked in. Although, that might be a way to nudge my oldest out of the nest come to think of it. I'm going to be sure to use that one when the time comes. I bet it'll work!

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Snore, Turn, Baste, Snore, Turn, Baste

I call myself a rotisserie sleeper because I can't stay in one position for very long. I roll continually throughout the night, just like a big ol' chicken in a roaster. Having hot flashes every 15 minutes only adds to the cooking theme because for a while I'm dry and then the hot flash hits and I'm sweating like crazy. If I slept on a rack I'd leave drippings underneath! (ooh, that sounded gross. sorry about that)

Aren't I nice to mosaic out my tender tidbits? You're welcome!

Again with the editing out of tender tidbits. I don't want to scar you for life.
Did I hear you thinking "what are those squiggly things? Snakes???" No, they're not snakes. I have two "feelies" that I sleep with. I have to rub the satin as I'm going to sleep or else I can't. Sleep. I rub them throughout the night also. I'll have you know that I've never strangled myself with them. Manchild might have tried to use them on me but he didn't kill me.

Anyhoo, I constantly flip from side to side, front to back, covered and uncovered. No wonder I'm tired all of the time! The only constant thing about my night time rituals is you can bet I'll have my feelies nearby, there will be one, two or three cats sleeping with us and that my covers flap on and off of me like crazy. Wanna come spend the night with me? It'll be an adventure (for you that is)! You never know what you'll get. Night night, sweet dreams, good night, sleep tight, don't let the bedbugs bite!

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Oh, my eye!

Every morning I get up and put my warpaint on. That's makeup to you regular folks. I try to work really hard on my eyes since they're the window to my soul but it never seems to go as planned. I guess I'm shakier that Mr. Chicken when he saw the ghost.
Here's the before picture:

Nothing special...just usual morning blurriness. Hmmmmm, I think my eyes need a little perking up. Those lashes look pretty sparse and there's nothing to bring out the color of my eyes. Here's what I hope my eyes look like once I artfully and skillfully apply some cosmetics:

Looks decent, right? Yeah, in my dreams! Even with false eyelashes, mine still look puny. Look at how pretty and white my eyes are in my dream eye picture; they're so bright. Then reality comes crashing down on me and I have to look in the mirror and see what I actually came out looking like:

Mascara has splotched all over the place, including in my eyes. In an attempt to mop up all of the dots I manage to smear everything. Mascara boogers form in the corners of my eye and it's all red and irritated because the Q-tip that I used to clean up with has left fibers and it's really irritating. The bags underneath my lovely eyes are semi-covered up thanks to highlighting cream. Only now, I look like a raccoon because the highlighter is too light and I can't seem to ever blend it properly. You'd think that since I work for a cosmetics company, I'd be really good at putting my best face forward...yeah, think again.

The biggest pisser is that I can spend 30 minutes trying to decorate my peepers and they come out looking like I belong in a fun house. But when I'm running late and I slap on everything so fast, I've hardly looked they come out looking lots better. What's up wid dat????? Oh well, I'm a lost cause I guess. Just know that when you're looking into the window of my soul, there's not a freckled, smudged, Satan red person inside - it's just friendly old me. No Satan...just satin panties.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Falling down the stairs

This past weekend we were at the little house in the woods having a good old time. At some point during the night, I heeded the call of nature and as I was going down the stairs my feet took off at two different angles. Before I could say lickety split I was hurtling down the stairs and could not for the life of me get a hand hold to stop myself. My left arm went backwards at a very odd angle and I remember hearing a sickening crunch. My right arm was desperately trying to grab onto the hand rail but my feet were going out from under me so quickly, I never could catch myself.

I eventually landed and proceeded to the restroom to finish things. Nothing was broken and I thought I was in the clear until I heard my youngest kidlet hollering and crying. Apparently, she felt the house shake as I was tumbling downward and since I didn't cry out as I was going down she didn't know what was happening. She was afraid that someone or something was trying to break into the house. Manchild is our fearless protector (and also sleeps with a BIG gun right beside the bed) so it was only natural that kidlet would run to him.

I heard him ask her where I was and I guess he figured things out because he didn't seem to be worried in the least. About intruders or me. Once I returned to bed the mystery was solved and we all went peacefully back to sleep. My lovely child drew the above illustration to show you how things went down but she can't draw how sore and stiff I was the next morning. If stair falling was an Olympic sport, I would have gotten a 10 from all of the judges.

I can hear the announcer now: "There she is at the top of the stairs, she's going down nicely - oh crud! would you look at that! I think she just performed full splits on stairs 4 and 5. Stan, did you see her arm bend backwards in such an awkward state? Wow, that's just amazing. People, the sound was absolutely deafening as she tumbled down what was it...7 or 8 steps? I give an overall score of a perfect 10. Well executed, completely ungraceful and yet not a single tear was shed. Absolute perfection!"

Ka-boom! Owie wowie!

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

Guest blogger!

Back by popular's my kidlet's fantastic drawings.

My kidlet and my Manchild have sick humor. That's all I'm saying.

Monday, August 6, 2012

I'm in love

I'm in love. With another besides Manchild. I know, it's a sin but I just can't help it. Manchild came through for me on my birthday and made my wildest dreams come true. He bought me a lawn mower. Not just any lawn mower either. An ORANGE lawn mower - orange just like my car. How cool is that?!?

I entered my home the evening of my birthday and almost fell over the most gorgeous piece of machinery ever to be seen in my TV room. I think I told my man thank you and how much I loved him then I darted off to change clothes and run buy gas so I could get down to bidness! He suggested that I read the owners manual before using it but I said 'to hell with that' I had mowing to do! The thing cranked on the first try and I was OFF! I mowed my yard and my neighbor's yard and would have kept on going but it got too dark and I had to quit.

My orange beloved works like a dream. I sing when I'm mowing. I yell for joy. I skip. I should become a yard person. I could make a mint. A couple of guys at work were astonished that I would be so excited over getting something that will make me work but I love it. No more back breaking cranking for 45 minutes. No more pushing and shoving to maneuver the thing. It's easy street (or lawn as the case may be) for me. Forget diamonds and furs, give me a lawn mower and I'm a happy camper!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

I am so damn lucky!

So yesterday was my birthday. It ..was the best birth day I've had in years. I arrived at my office to find my cube decorated to the nines. Streamers, fluffy balls, necklaces...the works. I felt very special.

My boss took me to lunch and it was supposed to be just the two of us. It ended up being 6 people at lunch and I had a blast! At the end of our meal, someone placed a stuffed chicken on my head and I had to flap my "wings" for the whole birthday song. I was embarrassed but it was fun. When I got back from lunch I was told that there was a birthday cake for me. I was very pleased to find out that it was a VANILLA cake! A cake I could eat!!!! At last, someone got me a birthday cake that wasn't chocolate, so I wouldn't die! (I'm allergic to chocolate)

I got over 200 birthday wishes! I didn't know I had so many friends! I thought I had 4 or maybe 5 people who would know how special birthdays are to me, but I was completely overwhelmed with how many people took time to wish me a happy day.

Words cannot express how happy I am to be 49 years old and I am beyond words to say how wonderful I feel to have so many friends wish me well. I've written before about how I didn't think I'd live past 20 years of age based on certain events and how each day is a gift. I just never thought that I'd be 29 +years past due. I've lost some very special people in the last 2 years. People that I never expected to be gone before me and it's been really hard to tell the truth.  I feel guilty that they're gone and I'm still here. So it's up to me to live life to the fullest and make the most of every day. And I swear to God that I am happy for every morning that I wake up and am able to get myself out of bed and make my way through the day. I live with daily pain but I don't mind. It's my reminder that I'm still alive and that it's a small price to pay. It's nice to be on the right side of the dirt.

Thanks so much to my friends, wonderful family, boss and to the big boss of my being. I am the absolute luckiest girl on this planet.

It's my birthday!

I am so happy that today is my birthday. Yep, I'm 49 years young. I can't wait until my 50th but for now, 49 is pretty darn good. I didn't think I'd make it this far so I'm really, really happy.

I love birthdays. It's the one day out of the year I can be totally selfish and get away with more than I already get away with. I love presents and meals and flowers and all the fuss. I had to come right out and tell Manchild that birthdays were a really big deal for me so he'd know to make a fuss. When someone sings the birthday song to me, I'm slightly embarrassed but I still like it. I like cake, too. Vanilla - I'm allergic to chocolate. In my first year at my job at the pink palace, my boss got me a chocolate cake with chocolate icing. He made it himself. I hated to tell him that I couldn't eat it so I took a teeny little bite but I couldn't really enjoy it very much. Everyone else at work did! I really appreciated it that he took the time to make it home made and I felt badly that I couldn't eat 3/4 of it.

In my family, birthdays usually last a couple of weeks because we're so spread out and it takes a while for everyone to cross paths. I don't care. I like it! That makes the fun last longer!

This year, I hope I get a lawnmower. Mine is old and decrepit and I can't start it any more without lots of sweat and tears and pain. And I love, love, love to mow. So I'd be pleased as punch if I got one. I also hope my girlies will gift me with a house scrubbing. My house is so darn dirty it's embarrassing. There are cat-fur tumbleweeds rolling around. I've got cobwebs so big, they could catch a T-Rex. I'm not a very good housekeeper.

Anyway, happy birthday to me! I made it another year. Let's hope I make it to 50. Every single day is a gift and I love life.

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

I was so sad but then I got happy

My kidlet and her boyfriend broke up. It killed me to see her so sad and I felt totally helpless to do anything to make her feel better. I really like her boyfriend and want them to get married in about 35 years so while I'm not as upset as she is, I'm still upset.

I remember my first huge love. He and I were like oil and water. When we got along, we got along very well but when we didn't, it was like world war. We were passionate! And young and hotheaded and immature. My kidlet is far more mature than I ever was at her age and she seems to be taking the breakup with grace and dignity but I can see that she's shattered.

I guess that her boyfriend got jealous over something and no matter what she said to him, he was convinced that things could not be repaired. I spied on them talking as he came to pick up his belongings and I could see my girl's shoulders sag as her guy drove away. She just stood there, watching him drive off - not moving a muscle. I finally went outside and guided her back inside and my heart just broke for her. She was so devastated, she didn't even cry. She just stared blankly at the ground. I tried talking to her for a bit but I don't think she was capable at the time.

Eventually I left for work and figured I could follow her on Facebook (because isn't that how parents keep track of their kids?). She was on for a while, then she just disappeared. Alarm bells started ringing in my head. What young adult gets off of Facebook?!?!? I tried calling her but her phone was turned off. In this day and age of instant access it's very disconcerting to be out of touch. I feel like the earth has stopped revolving! I didn't know whether to leave work and go home to check on my girl, or whether to simply give her some time to grieve.

I ended up giving her space but felt out of sorts all day long. When I finally got home, I found out she had gone to the guy's house to try and work things out. Later in the evening they both came to the house and I was so happy to see him, I hugged him and scolded him for breaking up and I told him that I loved him and didn't want them to EVER break up again. I'm sure my girl was mortified over my actions but I was just so happy that they were together again! I guess I'm really lucky that my girl has a guy that is so sweet I'm crazy about him. She's had a doozie or two that I wanted to murder so to have a keeper is wonderful.

I know I should keep my nose out of her business but I want her to be happy and she is with her dude. I can't wait till she's 35 and marries him. They'll have awesome kids. OH MY GAWD!!!! Did I just say that? That makes me sound like an old lady!