Thursday, March 28, 2013


The other day I heard a bunch of sirens in my neighborhood and curiosity got the better of me so I stepped outside to see what was going on. Lordy, lordy, lordy! The number of uniformed men milling around nearly made me swoon. Cops, firemen AND paramedics were 3 houses down from my own and there were a lot of them. Eye candy! Mouthwatering maleness! Muscle packed uniforms galore!

Of course, being the good neighbor that I am, I was concerned for the person whose house was in trouble but I didn't see smoke or flames or any bloody bodies so I was able to fully focus on the personnel.

Mmmmmmmm. Lifesavers. How heroic.

The one time that a man walking around with an axe isn't scary.

Even though it's March in Texas (which means chilly), go ahead and remove your shirts fellas. I don't want you to get overheated.

Now don't go thinking that I'm partial to firemen because I'm not. Heck, I married a cop for chrissakes. Cops can be sexy, too. It's just that they don't have as many chances to get all wet and slickery like firemen do. Maybe I should start a crusade to douse cops with water so that they'll have to remove their shirts.

You're welcome.

I noticed that the ratio of women to men standing outside to see what was going on was heavily female. There were at least a dozen women drooling watching. It's the same way in the office where I work. Any time someone gets sick and needs medical attention about 6 paramedics show up. And there are about 600 women standing around looking at the men. I know the ladies love seeing the men storm in (sorry to the person who fell ill, but there are hunky paramedics on the floor!!!!!) and I wonder if the guys like having a bunch of drooling, lustful ladies hovering around them.

Luckily for my neighbor, everything was OK. And luckily for all of the neighborhood ladies, we got to see a bunch of hunky guys. There was so much eye candy around there I'm sure no one needed to eat dinner that night. Because let me tell ya, usually the only sights we see when we go outside resembles something like this:

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Clean towels and jumping on the bed

Well, I survived my first business trip and boy, was it a blast. I woke up an hour before the alarm clock went off and got ready in record time. I decided to go ahead and leave the house early because I wanted plenty of time to pass through airport security and all that jive. After parking 47 miles from the remote parking shuttle bus shed I finally made it to the terminal. It's been 5 or 6 years since I've flown through a big airport so the security screening was a little foreign to me. I tried not to look like a yokel and simply followed the lead of the other people around me. I knew to remove my shoes and belt and purse and put all of my stuff in a bin but the stand up x-ray machine was something new. I felt sort of like a dork standing in the x-ray tube thingy.

And I wondered if the security staff could see all of the metal plates and bits and pieces that are in my body because let me tell ya...I have a lot.

This is a normal person's x-ray.

                This is mine:

I am full of pieces of metal, wires, plates bone grafts and more.
As I exited the x-ray machine, a nice stern, gloved manlywoman asked me to step aside for a little pat down. I immediately started blabbering about how my body was full of metal parts but she seemed more interested in patting my fanny. Apparently, my attempt at appearing sophisticated by wearing blingy backed jeans backfired. My bling made her machine go "ping." She gave me a stern loving caress, looked at my pockets and told me I was free to go. She didn't even give me an after-pat kiss or a cigarette!

I pranced through the airport until I found a place to eat since I was 2 hours ahead of my flight and my stomach was beginning to rumble louder than the jets around me. As I waited for my food, I scanned through my travel documents, trying to look very important; plus I don't like to eat alone because I feel like everyone is looking at me (dribble food down the front of my shirt). A man sitting nearby tried to strike up a conversation with me but the more I talked to him, the more I spit food out of my mouth and the more embarrassed I felt so I finally went back to reading my "important" paperwork. Once finished I made my way to the gate where I was instructed to go and waited. I thought it was a bit strange that the information on the screen at my gate showed the destination as another town versus where I was going. Finally I got up and asked the gate agent why the sign showed a different town than the one where I was going and I was informed that my gate was down the walkway...28 gates away!!! Of course, I then proceeded to perform the airport hustle and ran through the place like a cat on fire.

Once at my destination, I was super excited to see my fan-tab-ulous hotel room. I felt like the Queen of Sheba in that place! See?

Livin' large, people. Livin' large. Of course, one of the first things I did after unpacking was to christen the room as mine. Alllllllllllll mine.

Because I'm a very sophisticated woman.

The next few days were filled with hard work but they were fun because I had a great crew to work with. We were all fed like kings and I'm sure I went home a little heavier than when I arrived. I got to put in a good days work, meet some really nice people I had never worked with before, learn some new things, eat a ton of great food and live like a superstar. What more could a working girl ask for? To top it all off, I had a view of the ocean and was able to watch a couple of awesome sunrises.

Day 4 arrived and it was finally time to return home. I missed my kids and cats and Manchild of course, but in a way I wanted to stay for another week. I liked having clean sheets and a made bed every day. I liked the ocean breezes and the sound of seagulls. And of course, I liked the food. The only other time I've gotten room service was when I was in the hospital. And that doesn't really count because I was drugged out of my mind and hospital food isn't very tasty. But this place was a 4 star hotel and they had the food to prove it. Everything was just so clean and pretty and quiet and perfect unlike the chaos that is my home.

Once home I entered my home to find that it had been cleaned by my kidlet. She wanted me to return home to a sparkly nice environment - isn't that sweet? It's either sweet, or she had a huge party and was trying to hide the evidence. Either way, I was grateful. I've been home for a few days and have settled back into my normal routine and I have to admit that it's nice to be greeted by the cats and my dog when I get home. And the hugs I get from my family are priceless. Maybe I'll travel a few times a year just to remind me what living like a queen is like and to remind me that there's no place like home.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

I'm a real jet setter

In a few days I'll take my first business trip for the company where I work. I'm so excited I could spit nails and build a house!

First of all, I get to travel by airplane. I love to fly so that's a bonus. (Naw, I don't care that I have to leave the house early to get to the airport early so I can get an early morning body cavity search and scan and all that security jive. It's just part of the process.) Secondly, I get to stay in a hotel. I luuurrrrve staying in hotels! The beds are usually comfy, I can turn the A/C to minus 10 and get away with it, I get fresh towels every day and I feel like a V.I.P.. And I'm not staying at Motel 6 either. No sirree, I'm staying at a fancy resort hotel. That means I don't have to bring my own soap and shampoo - they give it out freely! Thirdly, I get to eat out at restaurants for every meal for 4 days. Oh, and I get a room all to myself. If that isn't nirvana, I don't know what is. Of course, I'll be worked like a Hebrew slave during the day and into the evening but once I'm done, I'm DONE! I can enter my frigid room and watch TV without any distractions. I won't have to worry about making sure my husband and kids and dog and cats are fed, I won't have to keep after my youngest to shower and brush her teeth. I won't have to worry about my oldest until she gets home for the evening. I won't have to listen to the hubby gripe and complain about his day at work. I won't have to scoop poop out of the litter box, or make sure the dog has enough exercise or pick up everyone elses mess. It's just me in my room doing whatever the heck-fire I want to do. Bliss I tell you, pure bliss.

Maybe I'm an oddball but I can't tell you how nice it is to stay in a hotel room. Jumping on the bed is strictly prohibited at home but I think it's a guest requirement when you're on the road. And if you don't want to make the bed you don't have to. It's always magically made up upon your return (thanks housekeeping crew!). Speaking of hotel rooms and beds - I watched a program a while back that showed you just what was on the walls and bedspreads and floor and it was GROSS! I don't want to lie down on someone elses............whatever it is that got on the bedspread. I'm hoping that after that program aired, housekeeping staffs all over the world started laundering their bedspreads regularly. I'm not a germaphobe, but I don't want any dried body fluids on me. Ooh, that just sounded extremely super gross. My detour around this little problem is to simply fold the spread back and sit on the sheets. I know they have to be washed (and disinfected). I think I'm going to get out of that mindset and go back to the joy of sub-freezing rooms and jumping on the beds, not crusty stuff on bedspreads.

My trip isn't taking me very far from home - heck, I'll be in the same state but I don't care. I won't be in my home town. I can put on one of my alternative personalities and be someone else for a few days. The possibilities are endless. I'm sure to the seasoned business traveler it's no big deal but to me it's going to be like a mini vacation. Like I said, I'm so excited I could spit nails and build a house. Or a hotel.