Monday, August 19, 2013

He Cheated And Joined A Funeral Procession

Manchild and I went to the town closest to the little house in the woods to do a little shopping. As we were going down the road, we had to swerve to avoid a big ol' redneck truck that had abruptly pulled to the side of the road. It wasn't a big deal until we went a short distance and had to swerve around another redneck truck.l Then we had to avoid a car or two.

What in the cat-hair was going on?!? We were already used to lame-brained drivers who drove as slow as molasses, avoiding farm trucks that looked like they were about to self destruct, tractors driving down major roads holding up traffic, and the occasional stray mutt trotting down the street but even this stuck us as odd.

We started paying closer attention & noticed that nearly all of the cars on both sides of the street were stopped with the exception of a long line of cars rolling slowly in the left lane. My man bellowed "what's wrong? Is there a funeral or something?" And then we saw the hearse. The rednecks that we had cussed were simply stopped to show their respect, not to read the days cattle feed records.

Shame on us! Mr. Man quickly stopped and waited for a few minutes until his hunger got the best of him and forced him to drive to the nearest eatery. It would be horribly disrespectful to blast past a funeral procession so he simply turned on his headlights, squeezed into the line of cars and became a participating mourner.

He pulled us in to the funeral procession! 'What the hell are you doing!?!' I shouted and I was told that at least the funeral cars were rolling so we'd just roll on with the rest of them. We'd mourn and claim the deceased as on of our own until we got to the nearest Whataburger.

I kept waiting for the inevitable lightning bolt to strike us down for being such disrespectful Southern sinners but it never happened. We peeled out of the procession and went into Whataburger, ate our food and never even "accidentally" choked.

I'd be curious to know what all of those mourners (who happened to be black) wondered about a couple of white crackers randomly joining their procession 1/2 way through the route. And then left the group to get burgers and fries.

This story horrifies me and yet I find it oddly hilarious. Who in their right mind would feel that it's perfectly OK to join a funeral procession solely for the purpose of shaving 10 minutes off of their drive to get breakfast? My man, that's who.

I wonder if anyone ever went to hell from sin by association. Because if so, I had better get myself some flame retardant undies!

Friday, August 9, 2013

I Got Caught Skinny Dipping

It's been really hot here in Texas and after an evening of working in the yard and grilling while it was 103 degrees outside, I was a hot, sweaty stinky mess. I decided to make use of my super awesome redneck swimming hole (which takes up my entire back patio) and cool off a bit. At first I was going to get in with all of my clothes on but the kids were gone and Manchild was in the office working on the computer and the only one that would see me was the dog so I decided to go au natural. 

Boy oh boy did that water feel good! It was a tepid 90 degrees or so, there was a gentle breeze blowing, the stars were beginning to shine in the sky, I could hear birds chirping and I was in heaven floating in the water.  The picture above is exactly what my pool looks like. It's 13' wide and 33" deep which means that if I lay on my back in the water, I've got about 4-5" clearance between my bum and the bottom of the pool. It's not exactly designed for diving under water. I can fully submerge myself but my "buoyancy properties" (AKA - FAT) make it hard for me to stay under.

I was happily swimming in circles when I noticed that my pup was looking into the house with her ears perked up. That could only mean one thing...someone was entering the front door which just so happens to have a straight line of sight to the back porch. Where I was swimming. Nekkie. Great.

As it turned out, it was my oldest kidlet returning home with her boyfriend in tow! I can guaranteed with 1000% accuracy that a 21 year old young man does not want to see his flabby 50 year old (maybe future mother in law) girlfriends' mother swimming in the buff. No way, no how. Luckily, my girl had spied me outside and made a beeline to the back door to see if I was swimming in the buff (she's got me pegged, doesn't she?). Her inquisitive look turned to horror when she saw what I was doing. I haven't seen the girl move so fast as she beat feet to her boyfriend to steer him to a portion of the house that had no view of the patio. 

I slogged my way out of the pool and dried off then slinked through the house wrapped in a towel so I could throw on some clothes. The funny thing is that once I emerged with clothes ON and I greeted the young man, the fact that I had been skinny dipping didn't seem to phase him at all. I guess he's been around me long enough to know that I'm going to do some pretty crazy/stupid stuff. The abnormal is my normal! I'm just grateful that he didn't see anything but the top of my head while I was swimming and that he didn't have to gouge his eyes out with a spoon to get the vision of naked me out of them. 

Thursday, August 8, 2013

Kat Shoots Collin's Gun

I've already written about my oldest kidlet - the teeny badass. She might be small but she likes shooting big guns that go "boom." One weekend, her and her main squeeze came to the little house in the woods and one of the items on their agenda was to shoot guns. No worries - we were in the middle of nowhere. We wouldn't bother anyone. So the shooting started.

First off were the pistols. Bang, bang, bang, bang, get the idea. Next up was a big scary looking shotgun. My girl grabbed that thing, cocked it and let 'er rip. Dirt went flying where the pellets struck, the smell of gunpowder filled the air, girl had a victorious look on her face...until the barrel of the gun drooped and fell to the ground. The barrel fell off of the gun!  

We all stood there in stunned silence and then I did what any good mother would do when her kid's boyfriend shows off his cool (broken) toys - I howled with laughter. What else could I do? Imagine the scene; girl cocks the gun - cha ching, girl takes steady aim - silence, girl fires gun - BOOM, barrel falls to the ground with a thud while onlookers stare in stunned silence, Mom starts laughing like a hyena - 
Photo via

Photo by fan
After 5 minutes of laughing I finally got my wits about me and thought about the fact that I might have embarrassed the young man. Luckily, he's a really good sport and knows about my sick sense of humor so I don't think he was too terribly offended. He even laughed at it. We all were wishing out loud that the shooting incident had been on film because it would have wound up on America's Funniest Videos for sure. Hey, anyone want to come to the little house in the woods and shoot guns?

Wednesday, August 7, 2013

Dear Old Dad

I have the best parents in the world. They love me even though I'm crazy. Just the other day my Dad and Othermother came by to celebrate my birthday and things were going great until my A/C started making noises that sounded like a varmint scratching around. 

For some reason, my ears can pick up tiny little sounds and I'll go nuts trying to locate the source. Boy, did I go crazy. I had to find the source of the noise! It was a lot like the scene in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation ( there wasn't a Christmas tree involved.  I looked at the air vent and thought I saw a squirrel! I saw something tan and it appeared to be standing up!

(Picture from
I was convinced that there was a squirrel looking down at us from the vent - probably cackling with delight at the way I was going berserko. Well, I did what any crazy, insane person would do, I got a ladder and climbed right up to take a look at the critter. As it turned out, my "squirrel" was actually a piece of wood that was a support for the air duct. But the noise kept going on and on!

Leave it to Dad to save the day. He used his (calm) ears to trace the sound to another air vent where he calmly opened it up. The sound turned out to be a piece of metal air duct tape stuff which was scratching against part of the A/C unit. No killer squirrel in sight.

Now, I have to back up just a bit and admit that as dear old Dad was unscrewing the bolts holding the vent to the wall, I was horrified to notice that the thing was covered in dust and stuff. And he's a neat freak! O...M...G!!!!!
I was extremely embarrassed for him to see my gunky vents. Dad didn't even make a fuss about it - he simply asked me if I had a broom so it could be cleaned up. But nooooooooooo, I was so humiliated, what did I do? I started crying. I'm sure Dad thought I had lost my marbles - heck, I felt like I had! I tried to explain that I was upset because every time he visits my home, something is broken, or something breaks, or that I think there's a varmint in my vents and those vents are really scummy and dusty and I'm a horrible housekeeper and he's super neat and clean. Yep, I was blubbery. And stupid. And snotty.

In retrospect I think that what happened, was that something else had happened prior to my parental units' visit which had me upset and crying. When they arrived, I did my best to put on a happy face and pretend that I wasn't upset. When the squeaking started I went into a psycho crazy laughing jag at the thought of squirrels flying out of my walls, and the scene from Christmas Vacation and then Dad saw my grungy vent and my hysterical laughter turned into tears. Can anyone say "hormones???"

The rest of the visit went quite well and we had a nice visit - once the squeaking was gone. Geez I love my parents. I don't think that they judge. Too much.

I made it!

Well, I made it to 50. Hallelujah! When I was 40 I announced my hopes of making it to 50 and here I am. A little more wrinkled, a little wiser but still as immature and goofy as ever.

I can't begin to express how glad I am to be here on planet earth. I've had some health scares and multiple surgeries but I've also had a hell of a lot of fun. I'm one of those people who choose to find the positive in everything and I'm grateful for every day that I'm alive. I try my best to make the most of each day and to not sweat the small stuff and I think that those beliefs are what has help keep me going strong.

The people at my work were all very aware of my excitement over turning 50. Probably because I reminded every one who would listen of my accomplishment. They decorated my cube with tons of black balloons and goofy things that directly related to my sense of humor. They made me feel like the most special person around. My family celebrated with me, too. So all in all I would say that my 50th was one of the best birthdays I've ever had.

I plan on spending my next 50 years living la vida loca. Care to join me?