Thursday, March 23, 2017

Tiger Spray


A while back I took my daughters to a local big cat rescue sanctuary. It was a gorgeous place with lots of HUGE, beautiful big cats of all kinds. There were tigers, lions, cougars, leopards,cheetahs, bobcats, lynx, servals, ocelots and a few random coatimundis and lemurs and we were left awestruck to see such majestic creatures up close and personal.

We took our sweet time wandering around the various enclosures and made huge fools out of ourselves by talking and meowing and nearly every cat. As if those big kitties spoke house cat! We don't speak tiger or any other big cat language so we had to improvise.


When we got around to the tiger enclosure we noticed that there were lots of signs posted, warning us not to get on the ass end of that particular kind of cat. Apparently, they like to shower you with "love". The staff members also verbally warned us so you'd have to be deaf or blind not to know that if a tiger backs up to you and lifts it's tail, you're going to get sprayed! 


As we were watching the tigers roam around and play I noticed a lady and her child watching them, too. Now picture this...we're at a beautiful, peaceful place with exquisite wild animals and this lady's kid is behaving like a total brat. She's screeching loudly that she's thirsty and she doesn't care about tigers and the whole place is stupid. And the mother is ignoring her instead of making her shut the hell up and quit annoying all of the other guests. And then, in steps good old Mr. Karma.

I love Karma. Especially when it comes to dumb asses who bother every other person on the planet. You see, the screaming brat and her apparently Valium overloaded mother were not paying attention to the signs and staff members. And they did not notice a friendly 300 pound 4 foot tall tiger sauntering up to them, turning around, lifting it's tail and taking aim. And then it happened...


Oh yes, that tiger did it! Right in the face of that little girl and her mama. And not a little spritz either - it looked like a high pressure hose squirting out of the ass end of that tiger! Those two were sprayed head to toe with fragrant secret sauce and because the girl was busy screaming, I'm sure she got a mouth full.

I'm fairly certain that I saw a few staff members snickering and I shamelessly laughed out loud. And maybe, just maybe the tiger grinned a little bit, too. That's what those two get for being so annoying and unpleasant!

Let this be a lesson in a number of areas; don't be a loud jerk out in public, don't let a tiger back up to you and lift it's tail and don't sample the flavor of tiger secret sauce. Just ask that little girl. She'll tell you.

Thursday, February 9, 2017

Massage me BRUTALLY





I was given this beauty for Christmas and man was I excited. It's got everything. Heated, vibrating seat, 3 individual back massage settings with heat and 2 settings for neck massaging. This thing is loaded!

I am very hopeful that it will help work out all of my kinks (at least in my neck and back) and that I'll be able to move somewhat normally. I mean, how could it not help  me? It's the Cadillac of chair massagers!











Once I found out that this fantastic marvel of technology would be mine I had the arduous task of waiting for it to be delivered. I waited and waited and waited and the waiting made me more and more tense because I was dreaming of a day when I would be somewhat discomfort less...not discomfort free, just discomfort less. For days I drove home from work at an above average speed, just hoping I'd find a large box on my doorstep. Finally, my waiting paid off. I got home, looked out the front door and there it was! The skies became bluer and the birds chirped louder and I enjoyed the anticipation of little shiatsu balls gently rolling up and down my back and shoulders. It took 10 minutes of wrestling it out of the box and setting it up but soon, nirvana was to be mine.

I put the massager in my comfiest chair, got situated a turned it on. The motor started to whir and I felt the shiatsu balls start moving up and down. It...was...fantastic!!! I must admit, the weight of my body against those hard little rollers was a bit much. I figured that I'd have to push against the rollers but they were so effective I ended up moving slightly away from it because the pressure was so intense. It was almost painful.


Each time my back and neck was pummeled I could feel the knots crackle and break down. Then my back started to feel a little bit beat up. Those deep knots were getting squashed right out of my body! Mr. Shiatsu ninja kicked my ass! Or rather, my back. 

I guess I sat against that thing for a good 20 minutes and by the time it was done, I felt like a limp noodle. It was heaven. I finished out my day and slept soundly all night long, but the next morning was another story. 'Who beat the hell out of me', I wondered. I was so sore it hurt to breathe! Leaning side to side was out of the question. I practically used all of the hot water in the shower trying to loosen things up and I didn't really start moving normally until the end of the 2nd day.

I guess it's not wise to go all in for a long, deep massage when you're really tight and sore. Sure, I broke up some knots but I overdid it something awful. It's been 3 days since I used my massager and I think I'm about ready to try it again. Only this time I won't go for 20 minutes. I might try 5 and see how things feel. All things in moderation people say. I guess they're not wrong because I learned it the hard way.