Wednesday, October 4, 2017

One is the loneliest number, sort of


One is the loneliest number, sometimes.

Due to layoffs at my dream job, I was forced to find a new job. I took the first offer that came along because after 2 months of looking, I had no good options. I wound up in an industry I know nothing about, nor am I interested to learn about it. I know what I’m doing but it’s not what I want to be doing. I want to be doing what I used to do but I lack the confidence to go out in the job market and say “yes, I am a print production artist” even though I did that kind of work for 9 years. So, I got myself in a position where I make money and I have insurance but honestly, I hate it.

I’ve been at my new job for almost 3 months. In that time I have had 2 people ask me about me – my family, what part of town I live in, what I do for fun, etc.. TWO people. The person that hired me left the company a month & ½ after I started working here so I’m sort of in limbo. I have plenty to do but I’m not really attached to any one person. I’m sort of floating until the position I was supporting gets a warm body in the chair.

The industry for my new job is very analytical and numbers oriented. Privacy is the first thing they taught me when I had my orientation. Maybe that’s why no one has tried to get to know me. They’re all privacy Nazis! All I know is I’m lonely here.

I know this is not the job for me because I start counting the hours and minutes before I can leave as soon as I clock in each morning. That’s a bad sign. I’ve had numerous people tell me ‘oh, it’s much easier to find a job when you already have one’ and that’s true but when you’re new, time off is not in abundance so how am I supposed to interview when I don’t have time off? And there’s that nagging problem I have of zero confidence. I’m afraid that I’ll find a job where I’d like to work and my employer will find out I’m incompetent and will fire me. Then, I’ll be back to square one, scrambling for a paycheck. The thought of being without insurance and a regular paycheck is terrifying. That’s probably just a big a problem as me not being confident.

So, what’s a girl to do? I guess I’ll keep slogging along at my current job and save as much money as I can for a while and keep searching on the side. Instead of having a Jolt cola, I need a confidence cola!

Thursday, June 1, 2017

True Friends

True friends are hard to find. I mean real, true blue, see you with snot hanging out of your nose and not care friends. Friends who stand by you even when you're being shitty. Friends who know your darkest secrets and don't care that you're sort of a putz. Friends that you can go months without talking to and not hold it against you. Let me tell you, they are hard to find and few and far. If you have a friend like that, do not...DO NOT let go of them!

I've know that I had some real keepers but lately, things have happened that let me know that I have some new true friends. 

First, let me tell you about my oldest friends. Karen H. is my oldest friend. I've known her since we were in middle school. We've had a million sleepovers, snuck out of the house together, driven countless miles riding around town looking for boys, probably gotten into a few tiffs but always recovered, and have stories that might get one another into trouble. 

Marilyn M. is my second oldest friend. She was my first friend after being uprooted my sophomore year and forced to move to the wicked city. She knew and watched me evolve with my first love. And she helped me with the subsequent breakup and heartbreak. We did a few things that would absolutely make our mothers cringe but we survived. We were friends and roommates and pals. Marilyn was the girl that I had an unspoken standing agreement with - whenever one of us experienced heartbreak, the other would show up with a 12 pack of beer and we'd drink the troubles away for a time. We've experienced marital woes and then, being a new parent woes. She was always the voice of reason for me - the level headed one. She helped me through 2 kids and a divorce. She is and will always be my spiritual counselor.

I've been going through an upheaval in my life right now and I have 2 new true friends. These are girls who will still be associated with me, even though I'm a social pariah in some circles. They don't care that I've royally fucked up in some areas. They laugh at my stupidity and OCD tendencies,  and look out for me to make sure I don't continue to screw up my life. They have the guts to say "hey asshole - don't do that kind of stupid shit or you're going to be in deeper than you already are!" 

The coolest part is that these people know me, love me, look out for me and continue to be my friends. I'm so grateful for that! I honestly have absolutely no idea why they stand by me and why the forgive me all of the time. In my mind, I'm a total spaz and I absolutely do not deserve their friendship and yet, they continue to be there for me. 

These 4 girls in particular have no idea the depth of love and admiration that I have for them. It might be a week or 6 months since we've spoken to one another but I think about them every day. And I love them dearly. And I am eternally grateful that I have them.

Good friends are hard to come by. If you have one or three or 50, keep them close and let them know that you love them. They are priceless.