Wednesday, April 5, 2017

Stall Standoff

When you work in a large office with lots of ladies there are going to be times in the bathroom where everyone has to "go" but no one wants everyone else to hear them. That's when the stall standoff happens. 

Today there were 3 stalls in a row with ladies waiting to let 'er rip. No one wanted to be the first so there was a period of time where no issued a peep. Or poop. You could have heard a pin drop in there! I heard grumbly guts because so many people had to poo and they felt like they couldn't.

(I figured you didn't want to see a picture of a rancid toilet)
I think by now everyone knows what a courtesy flush is. But if there are multiple ladies lined up in stalls it would seem a bit obvious to hear stall after stall firing off the flusher over and over. Thankfully, pooping in the bathroom isn't as taboo as it used to be with the invention of products like Poo-pourri, V.I.Poo, Just a Drop and others. Heck, you can find tons of information on Google that discuss why poo smells bad and multiple ways to fight the odor. And yet the stall standoff continues.

If there were a voice over of the action in that room it would have gone something like this:

In stall 1 we've got Sloppy Sally. She's holding tight, not willing to break the seal.
Stall 2 is showing signs of life but Smelly Samantha is trying to hold off as well.
Stall 3 has Horrible Hagatha who's rustling paper to cover the sounds of impending doom.
Wait, there's a plink in stall 2 and stall 3 just issued a courtesy flush. Stall 1 remains silent.
There's a sniffle from stall 2 and shuffling feet in stall 3. Stall 1 is a real warrior - she remains silent.
What's that? The bathroom door opened in it appears that 3 more ladies are walking in together.
The fog emanating from stall 1 indicates that a security breach just happened. Oh, and stall 2 just let loose, using the arriving ladies noise as cover to pound the porcelain. Stall 3 falls in quick succession but the overall noise dies down just in time for everyone to hear the great grunt. It's all over, people. 3 kerplunks have successfully landed thanks to ambient noise but the smell gives it all away. Ordinarily, there would be a photo finish to determine the winner but who wants to see that?

Now don't act all disgusted like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm sure all of you reading this has been in a stall standoff at least once in your life. Maybe some of you own a bottle of Poo-pourri and have used it. While it helps preserve the noses of other people it won't hide the sounds of plops and drops. Maybe, all bathrooms should be equipped with a loud white noise machine so legions of ladies would not be subjected to having to hold it in until the bathroom becomes vacant. But then again, if the white noise was loud enough, everyone could unload and get away with it without being embarrassed. 

Yes, this is a problem that's plagued women for millennium. I'm sure Cleopatra had to wait for her ladies in waiting to leave the loo before she felt comfortable going. It would be much easier if we were more like men. I think they pride themselves on the volume and duration of their expulsions. It's like a sporting contest form them! In this day and age of gender equality I don't think women will ever strive to match men on their anal achievements. Ever.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Microwave Guts and Wood

I'm the type of artist who views a piece of art in public, then goes home and tries to recreate it. Why spend $400-500 on a piece when I can recreate it in 25,000 easy steps and 6 months of labor?!?

 One day while surfing the net I saw something called fractal wood. It's a process where baking soda and water is applied to wood then electricity is applied and voila - beautiful, mysterious burn patterns appear. I decided this was a project I could take on and master but I needed some supplies first.

I needed a slab of wood so I got one. I needed baking soda water so I made some. I needed an electrical source and that's when the fun started. I watched an instructional video where a gentleman used a microwave transformer and I just happened to know where to get my hands on one, so I got a transformer - but I had to dismantle a microwave first.

Sounds easy peasy, right? Yes it was however - I am not well educated in matters pertaining to electricity so it really scares me, and I was about to dive into something that is capable of generating 2000 volts of the sparkly stuff. The gizmo shown above is called a capacitor and I've been told that the thing can shock the holy shit out of you if you accidentally discharge it. I had to remove it from the microwave in order to get to the transformer so I was really nervous to reach into the guts of the machine. I had one eye shut, my face screwed up with concentration and a silent prayer running through my head the entire time.

I had visions in my head of making a mistake, getting shocked and watching my hair fly out of my scalp and landing on the floor in a little pile.

Sounds of "zing, zap, poof" and my hair would gently float to the ground.

Luckily, the extraction went well and my hair is still intact. I've got the capacitor in a safe place where I won't set it off, and my transformer is ready to go. Now all I have to do is figure out how to hook the transformer up to an electrical source and find a way to connect battery charger clamps to all of that so I can get to zapping. I'm thinking that maybe I should ask someone how to do that rather than plugging a bare wire into the wall socket. I'd probably have a pile of hair on the floor if I did that!  It kind of reminds me of the time as a kid when I stuck a bobby pin into the wall socket.............