Monday, November 30, 2015


I am invisible.
Not by choice, but because I feel that no matter where I am, people don’t even notice me.

I take my time at home dressing, fixing my hair and applying my makeup. I want to look nice when I go out. When I am pleased with how I look, I head out into the world – optimistic about the events that might unfold.

I’m surrounded by people - and yet I feel like I’m the only person in the room. I watch life go on around me and I very much want to be a part of it but quickly become crippled by sadness because I feel like I don’t matter.

Friends and family comment on how funny and witty I am but all I see when I look in the mirror is a defeated, lonely, unlovable, pathetic person.

I want a loving partner. Someone who adores me as much as I would adore them but I’ve tried the marriage merry go round twice, and twice I was emotionally abandoned. I guess it’s not for me. Even though I want for it to be.
All of my family members have loving spouses. All. Of. Them. But not me.

I know you are supposed to love yourself before others can love you but I honestly do not think I will ever find someone to be my reflection.

Why you might ask? Because I am invisible.

Friday, August 7, 2015


I've been in an unconscious process of figuring out who I am and what I want out of life. I'm normally a pretty happy go lucky, go with the flow, easygoing kinda gal but lately I've noticed that I've started questioning everything and everyone around me. I've questioned my parenting skills, my relationship with my spouse, wondered if I'm happy with my job, thought about what friends I have...everything! And it's sort of driving me a little crazy.

Growing up, I used to be one of those kinds of people who could not stand being alone. I would date people I knew weren't right for me just so I'd have someone to be with. I'd be friends with people who weren't nice to me just so I'd have someone to be with. After being by myself for a few hours, I'd almost go into a panic. Move forward many years and I think I've figured out what caused my issues. When I was young, I lived in the country with no friends nearby. I felt very lonely the entire time I lived there. I think that's why as I got older, I was determined never to be alone again. Once I figured that out, being by myself was much easier. I still don't like to be alone for long periods of time, but I'm much better at it than I used to be.

Throw on having kids and a job and responsibilities, and alone time is beginning to sound a little better. I still don't like extended periods of being alone but a day or two is actually quite nice.

Does this mean I'm growing up?