Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Feeling Kinda Raw

I haven't written in a while because things have been tough and I don't want to be a whiner but recently something happened that made me take stock of things around me.

You see, I've been having a rough time with life in general and with Manchild. It isn't necessarily that he's done anything wrong...I just began to realize that we are inherently different people, and I'm not sure I can deal with it anymore. The life in general part is where I have to live completely by and with myself and me alone.

I've always considered myself an upbeat, optimistic, rose colored glasses kind of gal and I don't tolerate negativity very well. It's a soul sucker for me. When I encounter angry or negative people my first reaction is to try and break them out of their funk. But some people don't want to break out of it. They choose to look at life in a cynical way and keep everyone at arms length. That's's just not for me.

I've been on a really scary soul searching trip lately and for once, I am choosing to follow the path that I like and that makes me feel good. This is a real departure from the person that I've been for the past 50 odd years. And it's scary as holy hell. I feel like I'm raw on the inside and outside. I have no earthly idea what to do so I find myself taking life minute by minute. Because I can't see the end of today - I can only see this minute. Anything more is just too damn hard and scary and I'll choke to death because I can hardly breathe as it is.

Recently, I met a person who had a huge influence on me and I don't think they even know it. When I see this person, they are always upbeat and happy. They're downright silly which is right up my alley. And this person actually told me that they choose happiness. They don't want drama or downer people. They said some other things and I was amazed because I felt like my views on life were coming out of their mouth! Like, I had met my kindred spirit soul mate!

Imagine choosing to be happy, and to be comfortable and satisfied with your own view of life. Imagine following whatever yellow brick road you want to without minding what others may think of it. Imagine being your own person...not what you think others want you to be. It's almost unfathomable to me because I've always been such a people pleaser. But when I heard my friend vocalize such a wonderful view on life (in my opinion), I was thunderstruck.

While I don't know what the road ahead of me holds, I strongly feel that I need to allow myself to take it. It might hurt, it might be fantastic, it might kill me - I just really, really need to do it. Because I'll curl up and fade away if I don't. I need to live through the pain I feel now and do something to make it better. I might cry or scream but I know that I have a strong group of friends and family who care about me and who have already helped prop me up when I've fallen down. They are my safety net. Those closest to me already appreciate my views on life - I just need to be OK with letting the rest of the world know them.

Wish me luck.