Friday, November 18, 2011

OMG My legs look like sausages in these pants!!

Ya know, marital bliss can sometimes make you gain weight. So can drinking beer and eating cheese and french fries. Some of my clothes have miraculously been shrinking in my closet! Pants especially. I went to put on my fave pair of brown slacks today and....HOLEY CRIKEY!!!!! What the hell happened????? My legs look like sausages in those pants!!! HOW RUDE!

One of my gal pals has been rather OCD about her "getting fit" phase so now she looks totally awesome. She's tall, thin, as fit as a brick sh*#t house, tan, and I feel like Fat Bastard next to her when we step out together. See? Look at my picture! Told ya so. By the way...I was trying out for amateur topless night at the government assisted topless bar when that picture was taken. I usually wear shirts when I have my picture taken.

I've been planning on going to the gym for about a month now but somehow something always seems to come up. Mr. Wonderful doesn't complain about the way that I look and I appreciate that but dad gummit, I don't want my belly to stick out farther than his!

I posted earlier about how everyone loves bacon and how I could be the poster child for the stuff, but I might have to change my way of thinking. The hardest thing I'm going to have to give up to return to my svelte self (which was about 35 years ago) is my favorite oatmeal special. I make plain old oatmeal, add a little bit of Splenda to sweeten it up, then add about 3 strips of crumbled up bacon. It's so heavenly good I almost want to slap yo' mama. But I'm going to try and be strong and not add the bacon. Wish me luck. I'm going to need it. Now about the beer and cheese and french fries...that's going to be a little tougher to let go of. Maybe I can say goodbye to cheese and french fries and keep the beer. I mean heck, if I say adios to all of my vices I'll have to start using something healthier and less caloric like, say...heroin. Hmmmmm, I'm going to have to think about this a little while longer.

Like I said, wish me luck because I'm going to need it. Oh, I'll make sure to post and let all of you know how my topless dancing tryout went. And I'll even find you a link to the site where you can purchase some of the awesome shoes like I'm wearing in my picture above.

Cross yer fingers because I'm supposed to look like this in my tight pants!


  1. That last photo is clearly not a real person. Probably a mannequin, or maybe a child.

  2. I just LOVE the way you express yourself!! makes me feel a little bit better about my sausage legs (they are MOTTLED::like raw sausages? why?
    Keep writing , you are such fun to read!!!