Tuesday, November 22, 2011

My dang Spanx are kicking my a$$

So I was shopping the other day - see my cool blue scooter? You can't because you're digging on my pink outfit right? Uh oh, my sweat stains are showing...that's so embarrassing.

OK, I wasn't really shopping while riding my scooter, nor were my sweat stains showing. I wanted you to see an example of how I'm feeling right about now. I've mentioned that because of marital bliss (see, it's Mr. Man's fault!!!) my waistline has been...ahem um...rebelling. It's those elaborate dinners I've been cooking for him every night that are making me crush the scales. I can't NOT eat when he is - perish the thought! So I've been blossoming.

To combat this issue, I've been eating less but this story isn't about starving myself, it's about things that can be done against the battle of the bulge. I invested in a "structured" undergarment because my tummy was making the front of all of my clothes look bad. It's amazing how much you can shift fat!!! Man oh man! I'm only disappointed that I couldn't make my tummy fat reach all the way up to my boobs. They would have looked really perky if they had a fat shelf to sit on! Instead, the fat moved around as easily as a water weenie does when you try to hold it. Remember those? Water weenies? The little suckers were slippery! That's how my fat is. I shimmied into my Wanks (they aren't real Spanx so I can't call them that) and as I pulled up one side, the fat slid in the opposite direction. As I pulled up the other side, the fat ran away to another part of my body. I think most of it went here:

Ugh! I just can't keep up with the stuff!!! Now usually I'm a pretty easy going person (my Mom is probably choking over that statement) and can take things in stride (now I'm choking). Ok, let me start over and tell the truth...I think I can be easy going and can let some things slide but this fat issue is about to drive me insane.

Today when I was getting dressed for work, I looked through my closet at stuff that was way too tight to wear. I finally decided on a chic dress with an empire waist. I just found out today what empire waist means! It's like the old mom jeans syndrome...the waist line is right under your boobs! Anyhooooo, I knew I could probably rock the dress if I wore my Wanks. Since it's getting cooler here I also decided to wear some tights which I put on under my Wanks. Immediately there was trouble.

I had a roll that could not be ignored! What the heck??? Isn't that why I stuffed myself into my Wanks so there wouldn't be any unsightly bulges? It's like my Lleggs were at war with my Wanks. Both were fighting for space and neither was giving up. I finally just stuffed the hose into the Wanks but there was still a bulge at the top of the Wanks and below my boobies. So I wore a sweater and held my arms in front of my torso whenever I got up from my desk. Sheesh...

If I don't get smaller soon I'm going to have to wear a "structured" garment from the base of my neck to the tips of my toes! Or I could start working out. I'm going to have to check that out one of these days. I bet the Wanks company has probably already come up with one. Well, I've gotta go...I need to make Mr. Wonderful dinner.


  1. Actually...they DO make a wanky garment that goes from top to bottom, so to speak. I think they call them "full body shapers", or something like that. I've not had to resort to one (yet) but I've seen them in the stores. They look very scary, and I'm sure just putting one on would be worth a blog of it's own!

  2. @ christy...of COURSE they make a full body garment. But then I'd need to carry around an oxygen tank because I wouldn't be able to breathe. And, I'd need a helper to get me in and out of the damn thing. I think I'd rather just complain. ;-)