Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Holy lobotomy part 3

Thank GAWD that there are really smart scientists out there who can figure out how to mix atoms and molecules and stuff and make...medicine. Medicine in turn, makes abnormal people more...normal. Or at least it's supposed to.

In my quest to get my jerking, jumping, heart pounding, passing out sensation, dizzy eyes to behave, it was thought that maybe the reason I was feeling so goofy was because I was suffering from complicated migraines. They don't make your head hurt, you just have really goofy things happen to you. I got jumpy eyes and sometimes my speech went crazy and I stumbled around. I also found out that I could take medication which helped keep the migraines at bay. That worked for a good long while until recently.

One day I felt the familiar symptoms of a migraine coming on. My eyes started jumping around and I was dizzy but I knew what to do. I took my medication like usual, but the symptoms did not go away. My symptoms lasted for 6 weeks before I broke down and went to the doctor. I'm kind of stubborn that way.

I found a nice new neurologist who seems to know her stuff pretty well. She's following all of the steps to figure out what's wrong in my noggin. I was ordered to have a MRI which I did. When the nurse called me to tell me that my results were in, I asked her if there was a brain in my head - or did they see only air and bubbles. She gave a teensy weensy chuckle but didn't take the bait. I asked the doc the same question when I saw her, but she didn't even give a teensy weensy little chuckle. Not even a smile. I'm going to have to work on her to get her to loosen up some.

My latest venture as a test subject dummy is having 25 leads glued to my head for 3 days. Amazing forms of technology are recording every little fire of my neurons. I'm being watched by 2 cameras nonstop. Now I know how lab rats feel. So here's how it's going down:

A technician showed up at my house with about 3,000 pounds of stuff. She proceeded to set up a night vision camera at the foot of my bed so I could be observed sleeping, snoring, flopping around (probably farting), having the cat sleep on my head and all of my other nocturnal activities. Another camera was set up in a room of my choosing where I would spend the majority of my time. I chose the TV room. Then the real fun began - the gluing of the electrodes.

The technician measured 25 spots all over my noggin, then marked those spots with a grease pencil (which felt like a snaggely fingernail on my scalp), then she scrubbed each spot with alcohol or something that felt cold. When she opened up the glue that was to hold the electrodes, I was worried that if any type of spark within 100 miles of my house happened, we were going to be blown sky high. That stuff smelled so toxic I was scared!

I was warned not to smoke because the glue is really flammable so theoretically, my head could go up in flames if I fired up. This was going to be a big problem. Let's review my situation; I'm tethered by the scalp to a satchel full of hardware. I can only stay in two places in my home for 90% of the time. I have to write in a diary every time I do anything besides sleep or sit on the couch like a lump on a log. I can't shower or bathe for 3 days and I can't do anything that will get me sweaty. I have to take it easy and do basically nothing for 3 days. And I can't smoke???? Yeah, NO. I was going to find a way around that rule!

Here are some of the instructions I was given: Do not touch the electrodes, do not scratch the electrode sites, avoid static electricity activities like dusting, vacuuming, removing clothes from the dryer, do not chew gum, go to bed 3 hours later than usual and wake up at normal time, stay in front of the camera @ least 90% of the time, exercise 20 minutes per day. Here's the only piece of "good" news; the directions say that I can engage in "romantic liasons" (those aren't the exact words but I'm trying to be delicate) but to please do so off-camera. Do ya think I'm going to take advantage of my "good news"??????

So as you can tell, my life is basically over for 3 days. On the off chance that the world changes polarity and that my husband is blinded so that he  can't see me, and his senses are completely off so that he can't smell me, I guess we could have s-e-x. Because I'm pretty dang hawt right now!

Just sharing that picture makes me cringe. It was taken at 5:45 am and as you might notice, I don't look very happy. And I want a cigarette.

To be continued...

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