Wednesday, May 2, 2012

To the booty doctor...and BEYOND!!!

When I was a super smart teenager I decided to be all adult-like and responsible and I took myself to Planned Parenthood to get on birth control pills. I didn't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies and I sure as heck fire didn't want to find out. A like minded friend went as well and we thought we were the most "adult" teenagers in the whole joint. My friend went first and as she was finishing and I was being led into the exam room, she grabbed me by the arm and loudly whispered "they stick their finger up your ASS!!!" Since I was trying to appear as adult as possible, I was mortified at her outburst and tried my best to appear as if I didn't know her. I got my first experience of the finger in the booty test that day and have experienced it many times since. I hate it as much today as I did way back then.

I had to take kidlet #1 to the booty doctor today, and I didn't want her to have to learn to "enjoy" the finger test at such a tender young age. Actually, she learned about the finger in the booty test about a month ago after a particularly odd medical scare, and that scare resulted in the visit to the booty doctor today only she was going to experience a lot more than a finger in the hiney.

Yesterday was a real treat (NOT) as she had to do the prep work which is much worse than the actual test. Drinking the horrible stuff that makes you go poo for 5 hours was pretty bad. I tasted it -  and even though it smelled pleasantly grape-y, it tasted horrible. That drink had to be followed by 32 oz. of water within an hour. If you aren't used to drinking that much water, it can be a challenge! And my baby doll is a teeny weeny little thing. She's 5'1 and 96 pounds soaking wet. I could almost see her belly bulging with all that water sloshing around.

I had to watch and listen to her all afternoon and evening gripe about being hungry and gripe about how sore her poor old hiney was. I got her wet wipeys to soothe things down there but after a while even those didn't help. The only thing that helped her was some good old Boudreaux's Butt Paste. That stuff will cure any kind of irritation anywhere on your body.

She survived the prep the day before and on the day of the test she/we got to wake up at 4:30 am and start all over again. Drink, poo, rest, drink water, poo, poo, poo. We eventually made our way over to the booty doctor's office and got in line with the rest of the people waiting to have their booties plundered. I think I was more nervous than my little baby was. At one point I was trying to help make her wrist more comfortable where the nurse had put her IV (in an impossible place where movement was impossible and any movement was painful, of course. WHY THE HELL DO THEY DO THAT?????) and I made it even more uncomfortable and she yelped. So what did I do? I cried. Great Mom, cry so you make your kid even more scared......dumb ass. Luckily, I got myself under control pretty fast.

I'm sure she thought that the doctor was going to use a hose about this big to look at her innards.

Kidlet got wheeled off to the booty suite where all the action takes place and I waited on pins and needles for 40 minutes until they let me back in to see her in recovery. Of course I knew she'd be fine, I just felt badly for her. And when I got to see her in recovery, all the badness went away. And the fun began.

Little baby was so punch drunk, I laughed my tail off. There she reclined, daintily tooting away from all the air they put in her when they put the snake in her hiney, asking me repeatedly when they were going to start the test. Once it was time for her to go home I got more laughs. Getting her dressed was like trying to keep warm jello in a strainer. It was like dressing my baby when she was a baby. Of course, I was sensitive to the predicament. I laughed at her. I laughed a lot. And she had a good sense about it. She flipped me off.

As soon as we left the medical facility the first place we went was to the local cafeteria so I could fill up her empty belly. The whole way there she gave me a running list of what she wanted to eat. Chicken fried steak, creamed corn, fried okra, rolls, fish and broccoli, a hamburger, green beans, chicken spaghetti, macaroni and cheese, jello, fruit and fillet Mignon. She then proclaimed that she wanted to gain 400 pounds. It cracks me up because the girl rarely eats beef but she was adamant that she wanted steak AND chicken fried steak. While we were in the drive through line she kept asking me if we were at Luby's (the cafeteria) yet. And each time I answered that we were, she'd launch into her food wish list all over again. Even as I was speaking into the microphone ordering our stuff, she was trying to talk over me and order more food. While we were waiting for it to arrive she kept on telling me what she wanted to eat and asking me if we were at Luby's yet. It was a fun trip home.

Once we got our food and were riding home, kidlet informed me that she wanted us to stop at Taco Bell and get a carload of tacos. It didn't matter that we had lots of food from the cafeteria. That girl was hungry!! Once I got her home she sort of stuffed/sloshed the grub in her mouth just before she passed out for the day. I'm still planning on making her a big dinner but just not as big as the one she came up with on the ride home.

It took about 6 hours for all the dope to wear off and as soon as it did, she immediately started making plans to chill with her pals. That girl doesn't waste any time. Before she left I asked her if she still wanted me to make her a very large pan of chicken spaghetti that she had requested earlier and as I suspected, she was still a little full from her epic lunch. She might be full tomorrow, too. Thankfully, she probably won't remember much of her day with the booty doctor. The booty doctor does his job well and gives great drugs. Oh, and sometimes, he gives "all clear" diagnoses which makes moms like me really happy.

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