Monday, August 27, 2012

In a quandry

I'm in a quandary today. I got some devastating personal news but there's been other sad news in my family and I feel guilty for having a pity party about myself when other things are so much worse. My aunt, my Dad's only sister died yesterday. They weren't close but still...it's his sister. If one of my brothers died, I'd want to die, too. I am heartbroken for the family my aunt left behind and can't imagine what they must be going through.

My news was devastating to me because it's something I didn't want to hear but knew was coming. My health is pretty good except for an illness I have that causes my body to fight and destroy any and all connective tissue. Because of this disease, I've had to go through total joint replacements in two separate surgeries on my jaws. Then my back fell apart and I had to have 4 vertebra fused. That was pretty tough - I still haven't recovered from that. Today I found out that the same thing that happened to my back is happening to my neck vertebra. That means that I'll get to have another surgery and more fusions and rods.

I have to admit that that news was totally sucky. I've cried multiple times this afternoon. I know that I'm headed down a long road of more intense pain than normal and I just don't want to do it! Most of the time I can focus on people who have it way worse than I do but just for today I'm saying 'why me?'

My beloved mother is fighting an infection that will take over a year to defeat and she feels like shit. Why can't I focus on her? I'm sure that tomorrow I will. But today I want to cry and scream and get drunk and have a gi-normous pity party. My quandary is that tomorrow, I'll be beating myself up for being so selfish. A week from now I'll be beating myself up for being so selfish. Until I have my neck rebuilt I'll be beating myself up for being so selfish. then I'll be having a pity party because I feel so badly until I heal. Then I'll worry what joint is going to fall apart.

On a lighter note, my family will make some good money off of my remains. Do you know how much titanium sells for???? I've got a couple of pounds in my body by now and will be getting some more so they'll be rich, hopefully. Sorry everyone, for bitching and moaning. It's a temporary thing. Usually, I don't want anyone to know how horrible I actually feel. You just caught me in a weak moment. Sorry

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