Friday, January 25, 2013

Slickery's quest for freshness

I can't claim this story as one of my own but it comes from a friend and it's so horrifying that it's worth repeating. I'm going to call my friend - "Slickery."

One day, Slickery decided that she needed a little "freshening" assistance in her nether regions. She's a high fallutin' executive and she has to deal with some powerful people so she didn't want to spend her day wondering how fresh she was down there. She had to be in tip-top shape so she found a product that you could - how can I say it delicately...put "in" down there and it was supposed to make her as fresh and flowery as a summers day.

She figured that if one "item" could make her fresh, two could make her the freshest chick on the planet so she implemented two of the items. Everything was going swimmingly until midway through the day. She was at her desk when she noticed that her "fresh pods" were really beginning to melt and she knew she had to get to the ladies room right away to avoid disaster. As she stood up, she felt the dreaded release of moist freshness and discovered that she was so dang fresh, her freshness and soaked all the way through her light pink skirt!

As she was hurrying through the office to get to the restroom her (very prudish) boss came up behind her and informed her that she had some kind of strange stain on her skirt. She tried to brush him off and continue racing along but the man persisted in discussing the "mystery" stain.

Once Slickery made it back to her office after cleaning up as best as she could, she was horrified to find her (very prudish) boss in her office, examining her chair! For reasons unknown, this man had an intense dislike for the cleaning crew of the building and he was convinced that they had spilled some kind of furniture polish on her chair. He was on the telephone reaming out some poor soul - ranting and raving about how they DID TOO spill something on the seat of her chair because he was standing RIGHT THERE looking at it. He then proceeded to swipe his fingers across the stain and he took a big old whiff of it. He informed whoever was on the other end of the line that the "furniture polish" smelled sort of fresh as he rubbed his fingers together directly under his nostrils.

Now, Slickery just about had a heart attack right then and there. There was no way in hell she could tell her boss (who was very prudish) what the stain was because as she told me - 'he'd end up having to cut off his hand if he ever found out.' And besides, who wants to admit (to a man no less), that you're using some kinda alien pod in you hoo-ha so you'll smell fresh as a daisy?!? Those kinds of products are top secret lady things that are to be kept under the strictest private-ness!

The very prudish boss insisted that the cleaning crew pay the dry cleaning bill for Slickery's stained skirt, and he mentioned it multiple times, further digging the hole that Slickery wanted to climb into and subsequently bury herself. Each time the stain was mentioned, all Slickery could picture was Mr. Very Prudish swiping his fingers across the puddle of freshness and taking a huge whiff. Oh, the horror!

Luckily, Mr. Very Prudish eventually moved to a different place and Slickery was left in peace. It's nice to know that he was so ardent in his quest to protect her office equipment and clothes but it was simply so misunderstood, it turned horror into humor. And that my friends, is the horror story of Slickery's quest for freshness.

1 comment:

  1. oh. my. gosh! that sounds like something that would happen to me, but someone would inevitably discover what had really happened. yuck and HAHAHA!