And so it begins again

I am "ready" to return to work after being off for 6 weeks on medical leave. I know I'm ready - I'm just not ready. I am actually afraid to return. Not because of how I'll be treated - I work with really great people I'm just scared that I can't pull a full day of actually working. For the past couple of weeks, I've made myself get up and get dressed and apply my warpaint for the day. I head out into the big old world and do pretty good. For a couple of hours. Then, the noise and hustle and bustle start getting to me and by the time I get home, I'm exhausted. I'm not sure why because I take things slowly but all the action just wears me out.

I had my first evening out on the town and stayed out for about 3 hours then I hit the wall. And when I hit it, I hit it! I wasn't sure I even had the energy to make the 20 minute drive home. And the day afterwords felt like I had a horrible hangover minus the headache and sour stomach. I hurt from head to toe! Why???? All I did was sit at a table with friends and listen to good music. But while I was out, I was so excited to be out I must have shouted and used every muscle that hasn't been used for a long time. How pathetic is that? I'm a go-getter kind of girl. I hate to sit at home and do nothing! And yet, I dread having to go somewhere where I'll have to do something for 8 hours.

I'm sure everyone has job jitters at some time or another. Like, on the first day. I've been at my job for almost 5 years! So why do I have the jitters? I think it's because I worry that while I don't look sick or injured I am and I'm afraid people will think I'm trying to pull the wool over their eyes. I'm afraid that I can't produce the quality of work I did before I left for medical leave.

Getting well is serious business. I believe that now. All I can say is to ask for luck. I think I'm going to need it.