Those closest to me have to wheedle and pry to find how I'm really feeling but every once in a blue moon I am knocked down by the sheer weight of feeling poorly and I'm always surprised. I'm so used to having something hurt it doesn't phase me too much. But when everything hurts at the same time I feel like I become a 3 headed pity party monster. It's really hard to put on my happy face. I secretly want to cry and moan and writhe and lash out in anger because feeling shitty has won and my facade of cheerfulness has slipped away.
I'm a sore loser that way. Sometimes, when someone asks me how I'm doing, I wish I had the nerve to tell them that I feel totally shitty and to cry openly. I read in Cosmopolitan or Vogue or some other girly magazine, that it's good for a person to wallow in their own personal pity once in a while. Clear out the bad vibe toxins and all that crap. All I know is as soon as I start wallowing, I bitch slap myself and tell myself to snap out of it. There are people out there who are far worse off than I am. I'm on the right side of the dirt, yo! Then, I slowly mop up the snot and tears and uncurl myself from the fetal position and find something that makes me smile and makes me grateful to be as well off as I am. But dang it - right now all I want to do is wallow and cry. And that's not acceptable. Someone bitch slap me! I need it today.