Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Tales of my Fabulosity (or Gross-u-osity)

I am sort of klutz. No, make that...I AM a klutz. And I love to laugh at myself when I goof up. I've also been told that my laugh is unique. What people are really saying is that I sound like a donkey when I laugh. I think I can be heard about a block away when I get a case of the giggles. If I'm really trying to supress a laugh, I usually end up shooting snot out of my nose because I have a lot of laughs in me and it's hard to hold them back! That's really ladylike, isn't it?

I have another special talent which started after I had my first baby. If I laugh too hard or sneeze or hiccup I accidentally...ahem, how do I say this...sort of potty my pants a tiny bit. It's really aggrivating. I have heard from some of my friends who have had children that this is quite common, but COME ON! Seriously? I'm only 48! I don't want to have wear Pampers for Mommies just yet.
Talk about feeling gross! I know that there are exercises to help curb that particular problem and I do them but they aren't helping.

So, to give you clearer picture of a typical day, I'll write a little script;

Me: Hey girlfriend, how's it going?

Friend: Pretty good. Did you hear the one about the frog?

Me: Frogs are pretty funny just as they are. (small giggle and a snort)

Friend: Yeah, they have goofy feet.

Me: Oh my gosh(a little bit of snot flies out of my nose when I snort before laughing) those toes look like they have suction cups on the ends of them. (tee hee, ha ha, HEE HAW, HEE HAW)

Friend: Yeah, and I like how they can lick their own eyeball!

Me: Oh man, that's so gross! I wish I could lick my own eyeball. (Hee Haw, HEE HAW, HEE HAW!! ) Imagine if you had an eye booger and you licked your eye...yuck!! Hee Haw, HEE HAW, HEE HAW)...uh oh, I tinkled myself.

Friend: (Snort) That's stupid. (Ha ha) Uh oh, I tinkled myself, too! Gross! ha ha

Me: That's what you get for making fun of me, ya goob. (Hee Haw, HEE HAW, HEE HAW, snort with snot, cough. More tinklets.

See, it's terrible! And speaking of snot coming out of your nose when you snort, how embarrasing is that? Especially if you're at lunch. You quickly look around to see if anyone noticed that you snotted at the table. You don't want them to think that you're flavoring your salad for Pete's sake!

Eye boogers...I know I'm not the only one who has those. Mine aren't actually boogers per se; no, I think my eyeliner slides off and runs into the corner of my eyes. Then I worry that it looks like I'm about to cry black tears so I constantly dab at the corner of my eyes to make sure there's nothing there. Because there's nothing more distracting than looking at someone who has black eye junk practically spilling out of their eyes. You dab your own, hoping that they'll get the subtle hint and wipe their own. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Let's talk about heel cracks. In the summer my heels get all dry and nasty and look like the Grand Canyon in places. They didn't used to do this but now they do. Is that like some "gift" Mother Nature gives you when you get above age 30? Pedicures help the situation but I don't have $30 to spend every week. Check out the section of the clip at 6:28 - 6:35 and you'll see what I mean...

Ah, growing up...ok, not growing up, how about things that happen to you as you get older? I know all of these things I've told you are nasty but I betcha five bucks that you can relate or have had them happen to you. You might not tinkle yer britches or have eye boogers; maybe you gleek when you talk. Maybe you snore. There's got to be something that you do that you wish you didn't. I've shared some of my "talents" with you so maybe you can share some with me. Just don't describe them too funny or I'm liable to tinky winky or snort or hee haw.

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