Self Destruction

I am my own worst enemy. I do things to myself good and bad without even thinking about it. For instance…I smoke. Now, you’d have to live in a cave in the middle of nowhere for your entire life to not know that smoking is bad for you. I know it’s bad for me, so why do I do it? I’m fond of beer. I know it’s ok to have a beer or maybe two now and again but why do I have 4 in one sitting? And in some weeks, a couple of days in a row. Why? Even though I drink light beer, I know that I’m gonna pack on the pounds. And why 4? How come 1 or 2 isn’t enough?

I am on a variety of medications and it’s important that I take them as prescribed. Otherwise, my blood pressure is going to skyrocket and my arthritis will flare up and I’ll be miserable. I have a handy dandy medication box that has spiffy little boxes for each day of the week. All I have to do is load them up once a week then remember to take them each morning and all will be well. But do I do that? Recently, no. The handy dandy pill box is right by my toothbrush, so it’s not like I can’t find it. It’s sitting right in front of me, reminding me to take my meds but days can pass before I pick up the dang thing and swallow down those pills. That’s not smart!

One of the secrets to a good marriage is good communication and yet, I neglect to fill Mr. Wonderful in on upcoming events until the day of and then he’s mad because I sprung something on him he wasn’t expecting. That isn’t fair. And I have no clue why I do that. Maybe I don’t want him to say “no” to my grand plan. But then again, I have to live through the anticipation of seeing if he’s going to say yes or no to my ideas. To defend myself I will say that even if I ask him about an upcoming event, unless it’s majorly important, he usually won’t commit because he says he doesn’t know what the particular day will be like.

A few years ago I went through the divorce diet and I came out of it looking pretty good. I was slim and trim. I loved it because my clothes fit really well and I got compliments. So what have I done in the time since then? I drank my beer and ate junky stuff and now I’m right back where I started. How incredibly stupid is that?

I’m the hardest on my body. I don’t exercise, I eat junk, I smoke and when I get sick, I avoid going to the doctor until I’m so miserable it takes longer to get well than usual. For 4-5 years my back hurt but I kept pushing it under the rug. I mentioned it to my doctor but I didn’t actively try to get to the bottom of it. And when I finally did, I ended up having to have major surgery because so much damage was done, my body couldn’t heal itself. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Why do I do this?!?!? I have a great husband and kids. I should do everything in my power to stay alive and well so I can enjoy them. I scold myself constantly for being such a dummy and sometimes I do better for a while. Then I slide back down into the muck that is my idiot brain. I sure wish there were something that would make me straighten up and fly right. I’m 48 years old and I should know better. I wonder, do any of you do stupid stuff like me? I’d love to know.

I guess I’ll keep muddling along, trying to do better and hope that I don’t bring some calamity upon myself. Wish me luck – I think I’m going to need it.