Wednesday, June 19, 2013

180 Pounds Won't Slide

On a recent Friday evening I was enjoying a couple of cocktails (feeling happy, happy, happy) when I came up with the bright idea to drag out the trusty slip n slide. I used to enjoy hours of fun on the thing when I was a kid (and about 100 pounds lighter), but I didn't enjoy it so much this time.

In order to have some watery fun I first had to cajole one of the kidlets to pick up the poopie piles in the yard, then I had to run the mower because the grass looked like a jungle. Once the yard was nice and primed, we stretched that puppy out and let the water flow. Everything was working nicely for a few minutes until the pool at the end of the slide popped and the gentle sprinkles that keep the slide wet went to a slow dribble. I fixed that problem the redneck way by simply spraying the slide with the squirty hose.

My girls and their respective beaus were a little tentative to slip and slide so I made the first run. I can't run any more so I did my best to speed walk up to the mat and flung myself like a floundering hippo down for what I hoped would be a fun filled slidey ride. Silly me. Fat-so me. I didn't slide, I landed and came to an abrupt dead stop. I guess a slip n slide isn't designed for a 180 pound, 49+++ year old lady.

The kids slipped and slid and had a high-ho time with no abrupt stops at all. I tried once more and face planted once again. That was the end of my fun. 

I resigned myself to the fact that 1) I was too heavy to slide and 2) my multi-hundred-thousand dollar bionic back and neck could not withstand those kind of abrupt stops. I had fun anyway because I controlled the hose which meant I got to squirt people. And things got even crazier once we started squirting dish soap on the slide to make it slipperier.

As you might notice in the pictures, we all wound up with grass everywhere and I do mean EEEEVVVVVERY WHEEEERREEEEEE. Grass and soap wound up in unholy places that could or could not have required a high pressure hose to dislodge. But sheesh was it fun. Cheap, soapy, grassy cocktail hour fun. 'Cuz that's how I roll, yo!

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