Monday, August 19, 2013

He Cheated And Joined A Funeral Procession

Manchild and I went to the town closest to the little house in the woods to do a little shopping. As we were going down the road, we had to swerve to avoid a big ol' redneck truck that had abruptly pulled to the side of the road. It wasn't a big deal until we went a short distance and had to swerve around another redneck truck.l Then we had to avoid a car or two.

What in the cat-hair was going on?!? We were already used to lame-brained drivers who drove as slow as molasses, avoiding farm trucks that looked like they were about to self destruct, tractors driving down major roads holding up traffic, and the occasional stray mutt trotting down the street but even this stuck us as odd.

We started paying closer attention & noticed that nearly all of the cars on both sides of the street were stopped with the exception of a long line of cars rolling slowly in the left lane. My man bellowed "what's wrong? Is there a funeral or something?" And then we saw the hearse. The rednecks that we had cussed were simply stopped to show their respect, not to read the days cattle feed records.

Shame on us! Mr. Man quickly stopped and waited for a few minutes until his hunger got the best of him and forced him to drive to the nearest eatery. It would be horribly disrespectful to blast past a funeral procession so he simply turned on his headlights, squeezed into the line of cars and became a participating mourner.

He pulled us in to the funeral procession! 'What the hell are you doing!?!' I shouted and I was told that at least the funeral cars were rolling so we'd just roll on with the rest of them. We'd mourn and claim the deceased as on of our own until we got to the nearest Whataburger.

I kept waiting for the inevitable lightning bolt to strike us down for being such disrespectful Southern sinners but it never happened. We peeled out of the procession and went into Whataburger, ate our food and never even "accidentally" choked.

I'd be curious to know what all of those mourners (who happened to be black) wondered about a couple of white crackers randomly joining their procession 1/2 way through the route. And then left the group to get burgers and fries.

This story horrifies me and yet I find it oddly hilarious. Who in their right mind would feel that it's perfectly OK to join a funeral procession solely for the purpose of shaving 10 minutes off of their drive to get breakfast? My man, that's who.

I wonder if anyone ever went to hell from sin by association. Because if so, I had better get myself some flame retardant undies!

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