Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Guitarded!


I know a person who is guitarded. I mean, he's got it BAD!

He keeps a guitar in his office. He has guitars scattered throughout his home. Any time someone stops by long enough to take a few breaths of air, the guitar comes out and he starts strumming. I think he got inspired to buy (and maybe learn how to play) a guitar when he was on a trip. He saw a dude strumming and singing and thought it was cool that he was getting all of the attention from chicks. So he decided to become "that guy" who could strum softly and sing soulful songs that would make him appear to be a cool chick magnet. Chicks would dig him, guys would want to be him, he would finally be cool!


So he got a guitar. And then another. And then another. And then another. And then he decided everyone in his family wanted a guitar too so he got one for each of them.


He has an impressive collection of pretty, somewhat expensive guitars. So now he researches guitars. And he looks at pictures of guitars. And he watches YouTube videos about guitars. And he watches YouTube videos about how to string guitars, and how to adjust the sounds on guitars, and how to tell a good guitar from a bad guitar and he's learning how to somewhat dismantle one. That inspired him to  shave the bridge part that holds up the strings. Then he monkeyed with the fret lines. Then he monkeyed with the strings some more. Then he decided to do even more work on it. I'm sure it sounds more like a sitar than a guitar now.

Now another thing about Mr. Guitarded is his playing style. There isn't one. I've never heard more than 5 notes played in succession. I've heard a couple of chords but that's about it. Lucky for him, I'm really good at knowing what song is playing just by hearing the first few notes so I know what songs he's rocking out to. I'm not sure anyone else would know.

Since he never actually plays much, he doesn't have string callus marks on his fingers. String calluses are good way to tell how much a guitarist actually plays. His don't look anything like these.



 His look as soft as this..


I'm all about having hobbies and learning new things but this guy seems to be working in reverse. Sort of like a brain surgeon digging into someones noggin then going to medical school. He's altering instruments without hearing what they sound like when they're really, seriously played. If he ever learns how to play he might not like the way his alterations sound and then it will be too late.

His addiction is becoming a problem because that's all he ever thinks about. Work isn't getting done, people are starting to avoid him because they don't want to hear 3 chords played over and over and over and they don't want to listen to a 20 minute discussion about his latest purchase. I'm sure his wife is grateful because he's out of her hair but his 6 stringed mistress is taking over his life. He needs an intervention.

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