The End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End

Years ago I left a marriage of 21 years. That was tough. It took me 2 years to remarry. I shouldn't have, but I wasn't used to being alone and I thought I had a chance for stability once again. I knew the day of the ceremony that I was jumping into something too soon but I went ahead and got hitched.

Fast forward about 9 years. I'm getting ready to go through another divorce. It isn't as hard as the first one because I haven't been with this man (living together) for the last 6 years. I've been alone, I just have a marriage certificate saying I'm not. I saw my guy on weekends. We took turns traveling to one another's homes for brief stays. We spoke on the phone every day until the calls became less frequent. Sometimes, there'd be a 1 day gap between calls, then two then 4 and so on.

I care about my first husband and I care about my second - I don't believe you can easily turn the switch on and off. But this time around, I care mostly about myself. I care how I feel. I don't want to be a weekend wife. I don't want to live with huge gaps in communication. I want to have fun and do it with someone who likes the same thing as me. I am doing things for me this time around.

I used to be filled with guilt when I had to say good bye to someone - I felt like I was letting them down. And then I realized hey, what about ME? They're letting ME down, too! Now, I'm looking out for number one. That's not to say that I don't take other people's feelings into account, I do. It's just that if something bothers me, I have no problem picking up my purse and leaving. I've done it 3-4 times lately and it's awesome! It's so empowering! I always had the ability to do so, but was too consumed with trying to please the other party at the expense of ignoring how I felt. No more, baby.

I hate to say that I've become somewhat jaded but I don't believe that I will ever find true, pure, overwhelming love with a man. I've seen people close to me with epic love stories but never had it myself. I would absolutely love to have that, but I guess it's not in the cards for me. I'm OK with that. It's a lot easier to accept it and move on than it is to continually strive for something that isn't there.

Who knows what the future holds? I have friends who are wonderful and supportive and I have someone who makes me feel like a queen but I'm not in the crystal palace. I'm still living in a cardboard box. With time, maybe I'll get lucky. But if I don't, I'm fine. I kinda like myself pretty much for once in my life.

One is the loneliest number, sort of

One is the loneliest number, sometimes.

Due to layoffs at my dream job, I was forced to find a new job. I took the first offer that came along because after 2 months of looking, I had no good options. I wound up in an industry I know nothing about, nor am I interested to learn about it. I know what I’m doing but it’s not what I want to be doing. I want to be doing what I used to do but I lack the confidence to go out in the job market and say “yes, I am a print production artist” even though I did that kind of work for 9 years. So, I got myself in a position where I make money and I have insurance but honestly, I hate it.

I’ve been at my new job for almost 3 months. In that time I have had 2 people ask me about me – my family, what part of town I live in, what I do for fun, etc.. TWO people. The person that hired me left the company a month & ½ after I started working here so I’m sort of in limbo. I have plenty to do but I’m not really attached to any one person. I’m sort of floating until the position I was supporting gets a warm body in the chair.

The industry for my new job is very analytical and numbers oriented. Privacy is the first thing they taught me when I had my orientation. Maybe that’s why no one has tried to get to know me. They’re all privacy Nazis! All I know is I’m lonely here.

I know this is not the job for me because I start counting the hours and minutes before I can leave as soon as I clock in each morning. That’s a bad sign. I’ve had numerous people tell me ‘oh, it’s much easier to find a job when you already have one’ and that’s true but when you’re new, time off is not in abundance so how am I supposed to interview when I don’t have time off? And there’s that nagging problem I have of zero confidence. I’m afraid that I’ll find a job where I’d like to work and my employer will find out I’m incompetent and will fire me. Then, I’ll be back to square one, scrambling for a paycheck. The thought of being without insurance and a regular paycheck is terrifying. That’s probably just a big a problem as me not being confident.

So, what’s a girl to do? I guess I’ll keep slogging along at my current job and save as much money as I can for a while and keep searching on the side. Instead of having a Jolt cola, I need a confidence cola!