The End of the Beginning and the Beginning of the End

Years ago I left a marriage of 21 years. That was tough. It took me 2 years to remarry. I shouldn't have, but I wasn't used to being alone and I thought I had a chance for stability once again. I knew the day of the ceremony that I was jumping into something too soon but I went ahead and got hitched.

Fast forward about 9 years. I'm getting ready to go through another divorce. It isn't as hard as the first one because I haven't been with this man (living together) for the last 6 years. I've been alone, I just have a marriage certificate saying I'm not. I saw my guy on weekends. We took turns traveling to one another's homes for brief stays. We spoke on the phone every day until the calls became less frequent. Sometimes, there'd be a 1 day gap between calls, then two then 4 and so on.

I care about my first husband and I care about my second - I don't believe you can easily turn the switch on and off. But this time around, I care mostly about myself. I care how I feel. I don't want to be a weekend wife. I don't want to live with huge gaps in communication. I want to have fun and do it with someone who likes the same thing as me. I am doing things for me this time around.

I used to be filled with guilt when I had to say good bye to someone - I felt like I was letting them down. And then I realized hey, what about ME? They're letting ME down, too! Now, I'm looking out for number one. That's not to say that I don't take other people's feelings into account, I do. It's just that if something bothers me, I have no problem picking up my purse and leaving. I've done it 3-4 times lately and it's awesome! It's so empowering! I always had the ability to do so, but was too consumed with trying to please the other party at the expense of ignoring how I felt. No more, baby.

I hate to say that I've become somewhat jaded but I don't believe that I will ever find true, pure, overwhelming love with a man. I've seen people close to me with epic love stories but never had it myself. I would absolutely love to have that, but I guess it's not in the cards for me. I'm OK with that. It's a lot easier to accept it and move on than it is to continually strive for something that isn't there.

Who knows what the future holds? I have friends who are wonderful and supportive and I have someone who makes me feel like a queen but I'm not in the crystal palace. I'm still living in a cardboard box. With time, maybe I'll get lucky. But if I don't, I'm fine. I kinda like myself pretty much for once in my life.