Disability

After years of struggling to work while feeling like total shit, I am finally on disability. I'm disabled. Funny, I don't look disabled. The average Joe on the street would never guess that I'm disabled. Heck, most of my friends don't even know. But I am.

Arthritis is one of those sneaky diseases that affects every thing that you do, but there's nothing to show for it. I've got plenty of scars where I've had surgery to repair or replace various joints but those are hidden under my clothing. Once in a while, I might get caught grimacing or walking a slow shuffle but other than that, there's nothing to see folks. Keep moving along.

I held off applying for disability because I was stubborn and hard headed and I thought I could power through the hard days until one day I just couldn't power through any more. I was completely exhausted and hurt so much and I just had to surrender. Oh sure, my rheumatologist advised me for years to slow down and file but hey, what does she know? It took her 8 years to get out of college! I had so much verification and advisement to go on disability, there was no way it would be questioned and yet I still held off. How silly of me.

Upon applying, I was approved in 2 months. Apparently, that's unheard of. Some people have to wait years before being approved. I guess that means I had the history and records and proof of suffering to simply zip through the process. I was surprised when I got the letter. I really thought I'd be denied because I could still walk and dress myself. I wasn't wheelchair bound or bedridden. And yet the powers that be decided that I was worthy.

Let me tell ya, when you've struggled every single day for years just to make the motions of being a "well" person, and then have the opportunity to rest when you need to - it's just the best thing in the world. I was a couch potato for the first month! I mean, I did the absolute bare minimum of activity possible. I didn't clean house, I didn't cook, I didn't do yard work or wash the car heck, some days I didn't even shower. I simply rested. It has been heaven! 

It's been almost a year since I was approved and there are days when I feel like a disability fraud. I travel with my best friend and have lunch with old coworkers and some days I even feel almost good. But mostly there are days (too many for my liking) when the sofa calls my name and the heating pad is my best friend. I feel poorly enough to throw some pretty epic pity parties and I give in and take enough pain medication to knock me for a loop. That's why I'm on disability for cripes sake, but I still have to remind myself that it's ok to be so. 

Swallowing the bitter pill of knowing that I will never get better - only worse is hard. I want to live a meaningful life but at the present moment, I'm not sure how to do that. My illness prevents me doing anything strenuous, so I'm going to have to find out how to make an impact in small ways. That will have to be thought for another day though. Right now I just want to recline and look at the back of my eyelids.