Grief

Grief is something that can wash over you out of the blue and knock you on your ass. It isn't something that can be controlled, not really. You can try to ignore it, deal with it, wallow in it but you can't make it just go away.

2022 was a really rough year. I lost 2 beloved pets that had been with me for 19 years. I lost my ex, a dear friend and father to my children and I was still dealing with the loss of my stepfather and worrying about my mom and how she was coping.  In addition, there were other stressors like roommates and money worries and health issues and so on and so on and so on. All these things added up to one sad, shitty year.

I tried to handle my grief by crying when I felt like crying. When I got mad, I went outside and did some hard labor to work it out. But the frustrating thing is that I couldn't control how and when I was going to become overcome with emotions. I'd be doing fine and then the grief would wash over me and I wouldn't be able to do anything. To top if off, my girls were going through the same thing so I had to stay strong, look happy and try to help them through their own grief.

When you've lost someone or something important to you, everything seems to remind you of it. For months, I kept thinking I heard my cats meow even though I knew they were gone. I saw people who looked like the people I lost. I heard their voices or saw things they liked. I tried to comfort myself by thinking that my lost ones were coming back to say hello but they were still gone. 

I've started remembering good times instead of bad and strive to remain positive but the void is real. I'm not sure what 2023 will bring but with any luck it will be better than last year. And I hope and pray that my grief will fade away.