Art Projects in My Brain

I could spend all day puttering around.  I have tools handy, I’ve got a stereo and a big…ass…fan so it’s not overly hot (with the exception of the current heat wave going on) and I’ve always got piles of stuff laying around for my many art projects. I usually look at the stuff and wait for inspiration. Lots of times, I don’t know what I’m going to use it for – I just know that I need it.

 My stash currently consists of 3 or 4 gnarly twisted vines and some crazily bent pieces of wood and lots of bee wood. What’s bee wood you ask? I’ve already written a story about taking some to work but I’ll tell you again. Bee wood is a branch of cedar, which has wood bee holes bored through it. I’ve got a couple of cool projects going using that stuff. I try to find things in nature and make them into something cool. Right now, I also have a long running project that uses dirt dauber nests. I’ll let you know what I’m doing with them once I’m done but it might be a while. I only have one spot where I can collect the nests and I’m at the mercy of the creatures to decide when and how many to build. I was working on one today and kept getting whiffs of something really stinky. I couldn’t figure out where the heck it was coming from until I took a smell of my hand. Holy crikey! My hands smelled like something had died! Then, I got the bright idea to smell the dirt dauber nest. BIG MISTAKE. My nostrils were stuffed full of dead, rotting dirt dauber babies and let me tell ya…they stink!

 My mom told me that when I was young and encountered something new I’d have to touch it and then smell it. You’d think that after a lifetime of smelling some pretty rank things I’d learn my lesson. Um, yeah. NO. I’m 60 and I’m still making the same damn mistake. So let me be a warning system for you…don’t take a huge snort of a dirt dauber nest that’s been opened. It smells worse than ass.

 I’ve also been playing with leaves. They’re so interesting and come in so many varieties. I can’t resist pressing them into wet concrete or mud and I love to arrange them by color. Sort of like a natural color wheel only I line them up into a line. See?

I’m very inspired by the artist Andrew Goldsworthy. If you’ve never seen his work, look him up. He does some amazing work using items found in nature. He doesn’t use anything that’s man made. I’ve seen some of his work that used his own spit as glue. He must be psychotically patient because some of his stuff takes weeks or months to make and then he purposely lets them fall apart and go back into nature. If I’m going to spend hours and days and weeks on something, I want it to last for infinity.  Mr. Goldsworthy is a true artist.

I take forever to be inspired or slap something out on an impulse. I’ve got stuff on the front porch, the back porch, by the fire pit and in various places around the garage and of course, I have stuff scattered about in the house.  So really, I only have 8 or 10 piles of stuff that's waiting for artistic inspiration. I don’t think I’m ready to appear on the hoarders show just yet.

Right now my mind is whirling around some new ideas. I need a mannequin, some zebra wood, a French horn or two, some old bed springs and some chicken wire if anyone has any of those. I’d also down right beg for a band saw. I could do 20 new projects if I had that baby. So, if you ever have some weird junk lying around or you see a crazy crooked piece of wood and you can’t figure out what to do with it, send it my way. I’ll use it eventually. Oh, and I could use some metal pipes or any kind of iron so I can bust out the welder and make something awesome.

I’ve got to go now. I see some moths laying around and I was just struck with an idea as to what to do with their wings. See, I just exploded with a few new ideas. Dream big people. And be sure to look for me at the weird-o artists convention one of these days. Because if you know me, you’ll know that I’m weird. And proud of it.

If I didn't love you, I'd never agree to this!

My mom and I have decided to combine households. I can help her out, she can help me out, we can take care of one another and best of all, she won't be alone and lonely. We have a great relationship and I'm honored that she will be living with me. After searching for another home that would be configured in a way that she would be happy with, we came to the realization that it would cost a boatload of money plus, there aren't that many houses for sale in the neighborhood we would like to live in. The decision was made to update my house then I would move out of my master suite and give it to her, and I will live in one of the "regular" bedrooms. Easy peasy, right?

One of the blessings about having Mom move in with me is that my entire house is going to be updated. How cool is that?!? Being on full disability means that I am no longer able to work on my home like I'd like to is I can't do the updates myself. I can't get up on a ladder to paint the exterior or interior for that matter. I am unable to bust up old tiles for a new backsplash or pull up old carpeting or replace countertops or anything else that requires manual labor. So having a remodeling company descend on my house and make it new(er) and prettier is a great thing.

We are beginning week 7 of a 3 month remodel and I...am...over...it!!! I've been camped out in my bedroom this whole time. I don't like to leave while workers are here, so 5 days a week - 8 am to 5 pm, I hide out in my bedroom. My kitchen is torn apart so no cooking has taken place and I've been living off cereal and peanut butter sandwiches most of the time. 

Every single day I listen as workers go in and out and in and out and in and out - every time, slamming the front door as they come and go. It drives me insane! You would think that after 35 days of using that door, they'd figure out that it closes very easily but they do not. I'll be surprised if they don't break the glass inset because the whole house rattles when they slam the door. Like I said...it makes me nuts. I can handle dirt and dust, but that door slam is gonna kill me!

Open doors are another thing that drive me crazy. Here in Texas, we are experiencing a record breaking heat wave. Temperatures of 109 are not uncommon, and that heat is putting a strain on everything, with the A/C being a biggie. Construction workers do not give a shit about my A/C system or electric bill. That's evident by the number of times they leave the doors wide open. They operate by moving my thermostat down to 72 degrees (an impossible temperature to obtain when it's 109 outside) then they leave the doors wide open. I can understand propping the door open when they're carrying things in and out, but leaving it open for an hour after they're done is just stupid. And it's driving me crazy. In fact, there are about 27,000 things happening that drive me crazy.

I keep telling myself that it's all going to be worth it once they're done. It will be beautiful and I can go back to normal life however...I'm living in this mess and will be for some time to come and it's really wearing me down. I'm sick of strangers in my home, I'm sick of camping in my bedroom, I'm sick of the infernal, eternal door slamming, I'm sick of dirt and dust, I'm sick of worrying constantly about what will break that's unrelated to the remodel, I'm just sick. There's one thing that I would never say to Mom but in my head I'm screaming 'if I didn't love you I'd never agree to this!!!!!'

Grief

Grief is something that can wash over you out of the blue and knock you on your ass. It isn't something that can be controlled, not really. You can try to ignore it, deal with it, wallow in it but you can't make it just go away.

2022 was a really rough year. I lost 2 beloved pets that had been with me for 19 years. I lost my ex, a dear friend and father to my children and I was still dealing with the loss of my stepfather and worrying about my mom and how she was coping.  In addition, there were other stressors like roommates and money worries and health issues and so on and so on and so on. All these things added up to one sad, shitty year.

I tried to handle my grief by crying when I felt like crying. When I got mad, I went outside and did some hard labor to work it out. But the frustrating thing is that I couldn't control how and when I was going to become overcome with emotions. I'd be doing fine and then the grief would wash over me and I wouldn't be able to do anything. To top if off, my girls were going through the same thing so I had to stay strong, look happy and try to help them through their own grief.

When you've lost someone or something important to you, everything seems to remind you of it. For months, I kept thinking I heard my cats meow even though I knew they were gone. I saw people who looked like the people I lost. I heard their voices or saw things they liked. I tried to comfort myself by thinking that my lost ones were coming back to say hello but they were still gone. 

I've started remembering good times instead of bad and strive to remain positive but the void is real. I'm not sure what 2023 will bring but with any luck it will be better than last year. And I hope and pray that my grief will fade away.