What To Do

Well, warm weather is returning which means that I can be found most days sitting on my back patio burning stuff and drinking beer while cooking dinner. I always seem to get into a thoughtful mood when I'm out here, passing the time until Manchild gets home. The dog is stretched out on the grass soaking up the sun, I can hear the trickle of my fish pond and smoke from the grill and chiminea is wafting slowly around.

I've been trying to decide what I want to do for my birthday. It's a big year this year. I'm turning the big 5-0. I've always loved birthdays for many reasons but this year is super special to me. I didn't expect to make it this far so I really want to celebrate in a big way.

I used to love having parties. I'd dream up reasons to have them; The sun shined for 5 days in a row? Let's have a party! I got some new shoes? Let's have a party! I lived in a house that was perfectly set up for such occasions. We built a huge game room with a wet bar and pool table, foosball and table tennis, a giant screen TV and rockin' stereo system. But I don't live there any more. And it seems that since I moved away, my desire for partygiving has dimished greatly. I just don't seem to have it in me anymore.

The last big party I hosted was when Manchild and I got married. We did it up right, too. We had a great band and tons of food and we had a blast. But I haven't had a party since then. I'm not even sure I want to anymore. The optimal place to have one would be at the little house in the woods but I know that people don't want to drive for an hour to get there. I'd have one at my house in the city but I'm not sure I want to fret over people spilling stuff on the (stupid) white carpet that my house has. And I don't want to fret that no one would attend, either.

Is it just me or does everyone sort of worry that no one will show up if they throw a party? I hate to admit how much I stress over that. Even back in the days when I was known for throwing some roof raisers, I still worried no one would be there. Now that me and my friends are a little older, I wonder if I throw a party will everyone leave by midnight? And even if they did, would I be OK with it? Maybe so because with each passing year my bed time seems to creep up by 1/2 an hour.

I have plenty of time to plan since my birthday isn't until August but for some reason I seem to be stressing about it. August is really HOT in Texas. More than likely, people won't want to hang outside because even when it's dark it's still 1,000 degrees outside. The mosquitos here are large enough to saddle and ride. I only have enough seating for 10 people outside. And  are there even 10 people who would want to come to my party? Since my divorce, I've had a lot of friends drop off of the radar since we don't run in the same circles anymore.

Birthdays to Manchild aren't any big deal. They're just another day. I've spelled it out to him how important they are to me but I doubt that he'd go to any lengths to make my 50th super special so it'll all be up to me. Again, what do I do?

I guess I'll try to quit worrying about it for now since it's so far off. But I am open for suggestions!