My date with the insurance adjustor

Apparently I have a horrible speech disorder. Whenever I get nervous I develop a horrendous case of Speech Vomitosis Mouth. I blabber uncontrollably about nothing and display a number of nervous tics. Usually, my eye (or eyes) will water which make me paranoid that my makeup is running in black rivers down my face. My moistening lipstick suddenly dries up and my lips stick together. I worry that I have a huge glob of lipstick on my teeth so I run my tongue across my teeth every 15 seconds. I itch all over which means I scratch as if I have 10,000 fleas on me. Oh yeah, and I sweat. I can feel trickles of sweat run down my sides as my underarms unleash a perspiration assault. As you can probably tell, I'm a real mess when I'm nervous.

Not long ago I was involved in a traffic accident. I was bumped from behind by a teeny tiny Asian lady driving a Honda Accord. Her car was not damaged and my car got a very small scratch but I thought everything was fine until I told Manchild about it. He insisted that I have the car checked out at a body shop to make sure that the squishers behind the bumper were OK. By the way, "squishers" is an official auto body term. You know, the things that absorb the shock when you're hit from behind.

Anyway, after a month of procrastinating I finally called the insurance company so I could get my car checked out. A very nice man met me at my place of employment and performed a field check on my cars hiney. And when he showed up, all of my tics and vomitosis of the mouth went into overdrive.

I felt guilty for even making such a big deal over a teeny little scratch so the first thing I told the poor guy was that I had called him at the insistence of my husband. I then proceeded to tell him how there was concern that the squishers had been damaged but that in my unprofessional opinion, there was nothing to worry about. Then I apologized about 3,000 times for having him out to look at a teeny scratch and a bunch of nothingness. Then I told him that I wanted to keep my car forever because it was a collectors item and that there were only 1,650 of that particular car made in the entire United States. And I told him that in the entire metroplex, there was only 1 other car like mine. And then I told him that it had a super duper big HEMI engine and that it'd really get up and go when I wanted it to. And I told him 285 other inconsequential facts while he was trying to work.

All the time that I was telling him everything, my eye was watering like crazy and the inner portion of my right nostril was itching so I kept dabbing at tears and scratching inside my nose. Of course, my lips were stuck together and I licked of an entire layer of enamel off of my teeth trying to get the imaginary lipstick off of them. When the first rivulet of sweat began it's downward journey I immediately began squeezing my arms against my sides in a futile attempt to stop the flow. Then I started obsessing that I stank because I was nervous sweating so I kept inching away from the guy but I had to move closer again because I couldn't hear what he was saying. I was doing the classic "dab the eye, pick the nose, lick the teeth, pry the dry lips apart, squeeze the arms against the body" bob and weave. I am positively sure that the man thought I was tweaking on something.

The guy finally finished his inspection and got the hell away from me as fast as humanly possible told me that he'd send me a report and a check and that was it - it was all over. I wobbled back into the office with my arms swinging (trying to dry out the sweat). My lips weren't stuck together any more, I knew for a fact that I didn't have lipstick on my teeth, my eye wasn't watering, the itch in my nose went away and I didn't say a single word to anyone as I made my way back to my desk. What - the - HELL - people????????? It's official. I'm certifiably 100% psycho and I look like a tweaker when I'm nervous. I wonder how the inspector dude is doing. I wonder if he started itching because I was scratching and fidgeting so much.

Focus Group

I’m currently involved in a focus group at the company where I work. Getting my supplies for the study was like celebrating my birthday! I got all kinds of stuff. I work in the cosmetics industry so the things I will be testing will hopefully make me appear on the outside to be the glamazon that I am on the inside. 

For the first day of the study I followed the directions to a “t” and applied every single product on my list. I started with my own special kind of facial cleanse that most probably removed every stray germ, loose skin cell and atom of dirt that ever existed on my face by using a bath puffy and Dial soap. I was squeaky clean. I was instructed to apply 3 different moisturizers, which I did even though my face is “moist” enough to polish hundred old wood to a sheen. Next, I was instructed to apply two different powders, which seems sort of backwards to me since I had just applied moisturizer. I followed all of that up with liquid foundation! What the heck??? I was given many color choices of makeup to use so I went to town slathering and dusting, combing and spritzing. 

When everything was all said and done I took a look at myself and about fell over, because I looked so…made up. I looked like a grown up lady! I asked Manchild if it looked like I was wearing 10,000 lbs. of makeup and he didn’t think I did. But I felt like if I scraped my fingernail across my face, all that makeup and powder and moisturizer would just ball up under my nail. I’d be left with a trench in my face where I had scraped away all of the stuff I had just applied.

My method of facial care consists of squirting a dollop of whatever soap is handy onto one of those plastic body scrubbers (or a back brush) and scrubbing the hell out of my skin. That’s it! Once in a blue moon I might apply moisturizer afterwards if there’s any handy. It might be body lotion or heavy cream for cracked heels but hey, it’s moist. So, to use products specifically designated for the care of delicate facial skin is a totally new thing to me. I’m wondering if my face will erupt after receiving delicate products instead of lye soap and 80 grit sandpaper-tough scrubbies. I guess I’ll find out.

 A few hours later I was outside where it was hot and I developed such a sheen, I felt the need to dab my face with a paper towel. When I pulled the towel away it was ORANGE! All that moisturizer and makeup blended together to make a goopy mess. I looked in the mirror and I didn’t look all gloopy but man, that paper towel told a different story.

 Tonight I’ll use all of the fancy cleaning products I was given and see how long it takes to wash away 4 layers of product. I’m going to make the house really quiet to see if I can hear my face suck in oxygen after being smothered for so long. I bet I’ll hear it breathe a sigh of relief!

 I have to do the study for 28 days so I’m really curious to see if all the potions and elixirs fade away my red blotchy skin and if the little wrinkles and over sized pores diminish. The makeup is just a bonus. I can play with that stuff all day long – even if I don’t usually wear as much as the study calls for. If anything, I’ll have some great supplies for Halloween.

 Here’s my “before” picture. I’ll post another in about a month and yall can tell me if there’s any change. Let’s hope I look 20 years younger and fabulously gorgeous.

Photo by Bob Scott