2022 Has been an absolute horrible, terrible, awful, rotten, stinky, sucky bitch so far.
My ex who happens to be a very dear friend declined in health until he passed away on February 24th in the wee hours of the morning. My sister in law (his sister Laura) has been taking care of him for the last 7 years and she's been through the ringer so I wanted to help. When we found out that he was on his way out, I went to their house and held vigil 24/7 for 4 days with them. My 2 children hung around for a couple of days until they were exhausted, then went home to take a break from the sadness. It was during those days that he passed away so it was just Laura and me there. We gave him morphine every hour to ease his transition and I slept right beside him every night so he wouldn't be alone and so Laura could get a little rest.
The last night he was alive, we medicated him and talked to him and did our best to let him know he wasn't alone. As I lay next to him, I had my hand on his abdomen to be able to feel if he was breathing. He was so thin, his ribs were sharp under his skin so I felt that the abdomen was a better place to rest my hand. His breaths were very shallow and not enough to sustain most body functions. The hospice nurse called us to say that sometimes, a person won't let go and they wait until people leave the room to let go, so we left the room for a very short time. When we went back in, he was gone.
In normal life, a hospice nurse would come over and declare him gone. In a somewhat abnormal life, the coroner would do the same thing in lieu of hospice but this was not normal life. Our area of North Texas was in the throes of an ice storm and the roads were impassible. That meant that the hospice nurse AND the coroner were unable to show up and pronounce him. Instead, 3 firefighters and two police officers came over. Then, since the normal people weren't there to pronounce him, a detective showed up. And since none of those people could pronounce him dead, 2 crime scene detectives arrived.
The firefighters were able to run an EKG which showed zero heartbeat and the police agreed that he was gone. The detectives interviewed me and Laura and the crime scene officers photographed everything to document that we did not kill him and that was that. It was surreal to have so many police in the house, milling around us and our deceased loved one. Not only were we overcome with grief, we had to deal with being interviewed and watch photographers take about 100 pictures. Normally, a police officer would have to stay with the body until the funeral people could pick him up but like I said, nothing was normal. Finally, one of the police officers talked to their superior and we were allowed to stay with him by ourselves.
For the next 12 hours we waited for the funeral service to arrive. What happened next was something I cannot mention because I don't want my girls to ever know what transpired but it was absolutely horrible. It was something out of a horror movie and I don't ever want anyone to ever have to go through anything like that ever. EVER
The next week was full of funeral arrangements, travel plans for family members and constant worry about the well being of my children. They are 22 and 28 years old which is way too young for kids to lose their dad. In addition I was worried about Laura since she had cared for her brother day and night for 7 years. I'm sure the void he left was overwhelming.
Two days after the funeral service, my boyfriend experienced shortness of breath and knew that something was terribly wrong so I took him to the emergency room. That ended in a 6 day hospital stay. He was diagnosed with atrial fibrillation and the cardiac team spent days trying to get his heart to a normal rhythm using medications.That didn't work so he ended up going in for a cardiac catherization so they could see what the problem was. The next day, they took him down for a treatment where they shocked his heart back into a normal rhythm. After two tries his old ticker was ticking regularly. The entire time we were there, I was running on pure adrenaline. I "slept' in a chair and got up every time someone came into the room to take vitals or draw blood or add medication to the IV or sweep the floor. The interruptions were constant!
Less than 24 hours after my boyfriend was released from the hospital and was able to return home, he began experiencing more problems. I headed over to his house for another vigil of indeterminate length. I don't mind taking care of him - I wouldn't want to be anywhere else, but I'm not sure how much more I can take.
I am mentally and physically exhausted. My nerves are so shot, I constantly feel on the verge of screaming at anyone who says a word to me. All I want is to be completely left alone. No telephone calls, no visits - hell, I don't want to even see another person! I even get annoyed at people who offer to help me! It takes everything I have to be pleasant to people around me and it doesn't look like I'm going to be able to be alone for a while. The only ones who don't bother me are my boyfriend's dog and cat (my pets died late last year within months of one another, so add that to the mix). The pets don't bother me because they don't talk. They're just furry and warm and don't ask anything of me.
I know this won't last forever but right now, every day seems like it's 10 years long. I sincerely hope that I don't go ham on someone because that will make me feel even worse. I don't know what's going to happen in the coming days. Will I pass out? Will I have a heart attack? Will I die? There's not enough meditation, booze or medication to make me feel better. It's just a constant living hell right now and I really, really want to feel better so I can help all the people that need me feel better. I don't want to be selfish but I'm really very worried about myself. I won't do harm to myself over all this, but I'm afraid that one of these days I'm going to crash and burn and there won't even be any ashes left because I'm all used up.
If this is a test, I'm over it. I passed with flying colors but now...I can only generate a low "F". And that's if I live long enough to get the grade.
