Morning Rituals

I'm the kind of person who when the alarm clock starts to turn on in the morning, my eyes open. I wake up before the music starts! My clock makes a teeny weeny little click before the music starts so that's actually the sound that wakes me up. Once my eyes are open - I'm up. It's a pain if my eyes open at 3 AM because I'm awake. If it's just me at home, I take that time to vacuum or watch TV or putter around the house. If others are here I have to be really quiet so I usually walk around the back yard and feed the fish or pull weeds.

Mr. Wonderful isn't so quick to jump out of bed and get going in the morning. He likes to hit the snooze button 3 or 4 times. If I've already gotten up and switched off the alarm, I stroll through the room and try to gently rouse him. He groans and growls, snorts, coughs, farts 9-10 times stretches (while groaning LOUDLY) and generally makes a bunch of ugly noises. He stumbles off for his morning constitutional which takes about 30-45 minutes then he's in (my way) the dressing area for his beauty routine. He lathers up his face with shaving cream and it's sooooo cute. He looks kind of like Santa Claus. I like to casually stoll behind him as he's bent over the sink and sink my claws into his cute butt. I don't claw him enough to hurt him...just enough to let him know I'm checking out his keester. A few good squeezes don't hurt anything either. It just gives me a chance to feel him up because, well you know, I can do that now. Next, he goes into the shower. He can be heard through the house cussing and griping because the water pressure isn't strong enough to suit him and it doesn't get hot enough - fast enough. His showers last about 10-15 minutes. I'm not sure why a bald guy needs that much time in the shower but that's the way he does it. I take about 6 minutes max for mine, just so you know.

After he gets out of the shower, he stands on the rug dripping everywhere which really annoys the hell out of me. At least he hangs up his towel. I have to give him credit for that. Next he dresses which involves more grunting and groaning and cussing. I'm usually shushing him the whole time because my kidlets are still trying to sleep. After he makes enough noise to wake the dead he leaves for work. Griping and cussing because he's usually late.

The next person up in the house is kidlet #2. I believe in waking people gently so I quietly enter her room and sit beside her and rub her back and play with her hair. Sometimes she lets me play with her hair, other times she groans and tries to swat me away. Our cat Ruby sleeps with her so I usually end up playing with her and having the "wake up" conversation with Ruby. I tell her how cute she is and then I invite her to stick her booty in kidlet's face. Some days that gets her up. Other days she groans even louder and gripes. Most of the time she wakes up after a few minutes and is all smiles. She's like me in the morning, once we're up, we're ready to take on the world.

I fix breakfast for young kid and before I'm ready to leave for work I wake up older kidlet. I use the same calm technique and try to gently rouse her. She's sort of like Manchild in that she grunts and groans and rolls around and farts a few times before she's coherent. She's not as grumpy as my man but she does have days where she can be a real b............ear. I said bear people! Not the other word.

After I get the young uns up I'm off like a shot out of a cannon. I am lucky and have a  easy drive to work then it's (pardon the expression, Mommy) balls to the wall till the afternoon.

I like morning. I love to watch the sun come up and the animals come to life. I wish I had more time to fix breakfast for my family so I can show them how much I love them. I'll keep getting up early and easing my peeps into awareness and laugh at them with all of their bodily functions.

Good Morning!

Would you tell me?

 If I had a booger on my nose, would you tell me?

 If I had broccoli in my teeth would you tell me?

If I had toilet paper hanging out of my clothes or my face was so oily my makeup had smeared everywhere and I looked like a clown would you tell me?

These are the kinds of thing that I'll tell people I know. Actually, I'll tell someone I don't know if they have toilet paper or broccoli or a booger. Maybe not so much on the oily face.

I think it's only fair to let someone know if they've got something that makes them look stupid or if it's something embarrassing. I used to have a friend in high school Janet, who for some reason ALWAYS had boogers in the corner of her nose. She'd talk to me and all I could think about and unfortunately, look at was that dang nasty booger. I'd wipe my own nose hoping that she'd pick up on the hint and do the same but having a big o'l green crusty booger never seemed to phase her. She also had the thickest caterpillar eyebrows I've ever seen. They were bigger than any mans eyebrows I've seen. They didn't seem to phase her, either so maybe looks just weren't a big deal to her. Ugh, makes me want to pluck and pick just thinking about her. One time I told her about her nasal decoration and she sort of swiped at it but didn't get it. I told her again and she swiped again. When it didn't dislodge, she just shrugged her shoulders and went about her business. I sure hope as she aged that she never decided to get a nose piercing. With her booger production, that would just be way too gross.

Sorry that I got off onto a tangent about gross stuff. The point of my story was to tell you that I think you're being kind if you point out stuff to people. Not everything - just boogers and sliding makeup and broccoli in teeth. And of course and always, trailing toilet paper.

Check you mirrors, girls. And please tell me if I have additional "embellishments" on my  face that don't look like they belong.

I love shoes but I can't put them on.

Thanks to a wonderful doctor I can now walk and can move around without excruciating pain. Gone are the days when I'd try to walk down the halls at work and end up falling into someone's office and crying for a while. Gone are the days of walking around in a Vicodin induced haze. Gone, I tell you - gone! That's great and I'm really lucky but there have been a few challenges as a result of having spinal fusions. 

Putting on socks is a real challenge. I never knew how hard it was until I couldn't bend any more. I can do one foot better than the other but they're both hard. I've tried leaning forward, sideways, bending my foot backwards...it's not a pretty picture folks. I also have trouble with shoes that aren't slip on. I've got a cool, long handled shoe horn to help me but if the tongue of the shoe slips forward any at all, I'm toast. For a while there, kidlet had to tie my shoes for me. I can finally do it but the bow is all lopsided and off to one side. Who cares as long as my shoe stays on!

Another challenge that you wouldn't normally think about having is grabbing toilet paper when you're conversing with the porcelain gods. My dispenser is on the wall right next to the back of my throne so in order to get paper, I have to sit sideways. It's actually sort of comfortable because the seat is wider that way but still...
I won't go into detail about how - ahem, how do I put it...cleaning up afterwards is a challenge since my arm won't bend in the direction it needs to bend since I can't lean to the side like I used to. Nah, that would just gross you out. But it's hard. That's all I'll say about that.

I like to pull weeds and sit on the ground but doing that is out of the question now. It just won't work. My spine won't fold/bend anymore. I can try to sit sideways but I end up falling over. Sort of like a Weeble. Remember those? Weebles wobble but they don't fall down. I do.

All in all most of the challenges I now face make me crack up. I think it's sort of funny that after tying my shoes for 40 years, I have to have a 12 year old do it for me. I think it's funny when I tip over when trying to sit on the flat ground. I'll live with these challenges because I'm not in so much horrible pain any more.

I went to the shoe store the other day and was attempting to try on various shoes. The area I was in didn't have any stools to sit on so I had to try and do it standing up. I tried on a pair of boots and managed to get them on after a lot of stumbling and hopping around. I'm sure the other patrons thought I was drunk the way I was staggering about. When it came time to remove the boots all hell broke loose. I was attempting to stand on one leg while bending over. Not a good scenario on any day but to try and tug a boot off of my foot made it even harder because the boot was snug. Since I could only get my foot about a foot & 1/2 off the ground I really had to do some strange gyrations to get a good tug on the boot. Then with one foot up and bent sideways, I started leaning to one side. As I started going down I tried to grasp the shoe rack which resulted in an avalanche of ugly shoes. The rack wasn't very sturdy so it started wobbling, too. My boot was 1/2 way off so I couldn't put my foot down to steady myself because it was all crooked. I knew I was headed for the ground (along with a bunch of shoes) and I didn't want that to happen because getting up off of the floor is challenging. So there I was, hopping on one leg, tugging on the foot of another, leaning heavily to one side, grasping anything that could stop my fall in an attempt not to destroy the store. After a couple of dozen pairs of shoes fell and I almost ended up on the ground I managed to get that dang boot off. I got some strange looks and I laughed at myself for a little while but that's OK. Oh, and by the way...I didn't buy those boots. Too frickin' hard to get on and off.

Gross on top of gross with a side dish of gross

There are words in the English language that make me want to hurl when I hear them. I've decided to treat you to some of these words today because I'm nice that way.

Pus     Secretion    Unguent     Pungent     Salve     Fecal     Ooze     Suppuration

Purulent     Vaginally     Anus     Secrete     Fondle     Mucus     Seeping     Moist

Phlegm     Discharge     Flaccid     Scrotum     Ointment     Scab     Mutilation

Maggot     Phlegmatic     Mold     Gluten     Suckle     Snot     Perfunctory     Mealymouthed     Squat     Pimple     Squelch     Smegma     Nougat     Gargle

Gristle     Grope     Fondle     Spore     Probe     Coagulate     Festering     Gland

Placenta     Sputum     Lice     Gelatinous     Volvo     Flagella     Smear     Sludge

Clogged     Gushing     Ocular     Angina     Juicy     Flap     Slit     Succulent     Viscous

Trickle     Fornicate     Crusty     Teat     Smattering     Regurgitate     Fleshy     Bulb

Pulchritude     Zit     Kumquat     Ululate     Fecund      Slither     Quagmire     Suction

Guttural     Smear     Squirt     Groin     Titillating     Wart     Fetus     Uterine     Flaccid

Magma     Curdle      Fester      Masticate  Genital

I could probably come up with more but you get the idea. Are you starting to get queasy looking at the pictures? I have to admit, I think this is my most disgusting post yet. Not only do I have horrible words, I have horrible images. I mean, I can feel my lunch rising up in my throat just looking at that nasty pimple. UGH

Here's something to make you smile and get your mind off of grossness. Starts with "pus" but has a much nicer ending. You're welcome.

I...am...so...freakin'...PISSED!!!

If you've read my blogs at all, you're probably aware of proud and in love I am with my car. It's the first sporty, loud, fast, look-at-me car I've ever had. I can't stress how much I love it. I feel good when I'm driving it, it rides like a dream, I have men talk to me about it all the time when I'm at the gas station, it's just da bomb!

I take very good care of it because I want it to last forever. I keep it clean, I make sure the maintenance is performed regularly, I park way out in the parking lot so it won't get bumped and I try to baby it. So you can imagine - wait, no you can't, the horror I had when I walked outside and noticed that someone had taken an object and scratched my baby down the entire length of both sides. It was instant vomitosis.
 
Why would someone do that??? I felt violated when this time last year, someone burglarized my home and cleaned me out. I felt violated when someone egged my kidlet's car with a dozen eggs last month. But this goes beyond feeling violated. I honestly want to seriously harm the person who did it. I want to break bones and make them bleed and pound them to a pulp and hang them up by their fingernails and pull their hair and poke their eyes out and put hot cigarettes on their skin. And more. I'm really mad. I feel hatred towards vandals and thieves.

 I think that part of the reason I'm so infuriated is that I can't comprehend why someone would do something so awful. I'm nice! I go out of my way to help elderly people and ladies with babies. I try to help out people at work - even if I don't have to. I'm never mean to anyone. I like to see the good in people and not the bad. So, why would someone do something bad to me???

Mr. Wonderful doesn't see the world through rose colored glasses like I do. I guess being a lawman has made him more jaded. Sure, he was mad but his reply to my hysterics was "Now do you see why I don't trust anyone?" I wish he could find out who did this and pull out his taser and zap them for about 2 hours straight. Oops, there I go again...thinking of punishments. Sorry but I'm just so dang mad!!!

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This is pretty dang much how I reacted. Now I'm just sort of numb. After the break in I was scared for a long time. After my kidlet's car was egged I was flabbergasted that someone could be so mean. After this, I hate that I'm losing faith in others. I thought I lived in a safe neighborhood!

 Get this, Mr. Man took down our basketball goal so he could move the post. We leaned the goal up against the side of the house. I just noticed the other day that it was gone. Someone stole it. A goal without a post. A neighbor had their water hose and an extension cord stolen right out of their yard. What the heck-fire is going on, people??? Do people just think they can take anything that's not nailed down? I have been feeling like our society is going to hell in a hand basket and by having this happen, I'm really feeling that way. I know times are tough but jeez oh Pete! I work hard for my stuff. I don't buy luxuries - I buy discount stuff so I can one day afford a car like I want that I really love. And I don't expect to have someone ruin it for no good reason.

Aw hell, complaining about it isn't going to make things any different.It happened and now I'll get it cleaned up. It just makes me really, really mad. And sad.

She likes me! She really likes me!

Kidlet #2 likes my blog. She reads it regularly and then we discuss it. She's really proud that I posted her twisted 3 bears story. Why wouldn't I? It's pure awesomeness. My older kidlet is sort of "meh, who cares" about my stories. Maybe when I'm dead and gone she'll pull my blog out of the archives and read a few lines. My Mom (luv yew, Mummy!!!) reads me, which I really like because I want her to be proud of me. She told me that she likes my stories. A few friends at work read me, too. It makes me feel really, really good when someone tells me that they read me. I guess there's a demand for good bullshit out there.

Anyway, kidlet #2 told one of her teachers about my blog. Supposedly, Mrs. Elkins has read some of my tripe. That scares me cuz' she's a teacher for cripes sake! She might discover that I'm the queen of run on sentences. Or she might discover that per her suspicions, I really am crazy. And then she might call child protective services out of concern for my kidlet. And then I'll have to kill someone because they tried to steal my kid. But then again, I DID post lots of pictures of hot firemen (some of which were naked) so she's got to respect me for that don't you think? You're welcome ladies. Hot firemen just make a day better. 

Come ON, anyone can be normal. If I apply just the right amount of chaos and craziness at home, my kiddos might turn out to be someone of character. Not some boring, straight laced politician or psychiatrist or urban planner. No, they'll be about half a bubble off of center just like their crazy old mammy. They'll be pyromaniac, blues loving, screaming contest in the car in the parking lot of Albertsons, calamari eating fools! Sounds pretty dang good to me!

One of my daily rituals with young kidlet (and older kidlet when she was younger) is to ask her if she got in any trouble. If she says 'no' then I scold her. I told her the other night to go to school and spit on her coach. I didn't really mean it. It's just the way we joke. I also ask her each day if she learned anything and she knows to say 'no.' Good girl. Manchild asks her what she did that day and she's trained to say 'mildew.'

My Dad used to tell my friends that "they" were looking for them. He'd go on and on about how "they" were looking earlier, then they came back looking and they really wanted to see her. Finally the friend would ask who and my Dad would say "the buzzards." I use that one, too. If younger kid asks Manchild where someone is, he always says that the hogs ate them. That's how we roll.

I remember Manchild telling me that when we were kids, he used to like visiting our house because we were the most offbeat family he had ever known. No "Cleaver" family where I lived! More like the Addams family or maybe the Munsters minus all the dust and stairs.

Well, I think I've gotten off the subject enough for today. Thanks for reading and hey kidlet - thanks for supporting yo mammy! I lub yew!

Is true love enough?

When you're involved with someone you tend to ignore some things you might not like about them at first. But after you've been together a while the things that bugged you a tiny bit begin to bug you a lot. As I've gotten older I've learned to not sweat the small stuff as much.  Mr. Wonderful does lots of things that make me cringe but I love him more than I hate the quirks he has.

I've been thinking about fundamental differences between people lately. Let's say you love someone deeply but they don't like the same kind of music you do. And let's imagine that music is really, really important to you. Do you call things off just because your partner doesn't feel the same way? I could understand if your partner was a killer - that's pretty dang wrong, so leaving might be a good idea. But how about things you believe in?

I myself think that having differences can be a good thing. In my first marriage I married my polar opposite. At that phase of my life, being completely different was a good thing. Now, not so much. Even though we are quite a bit alike I wouldn't want Manchild to have the same exact thoughts and beliefs as me. It would get boring.  I respect his ideas even if I don't agree.  And disagreeing is part of being with someone. One thing I do know for a fact is that you can't make the other person change just because you want them to.

You can't force your beliefs on them. If you do manage to bend them to your will, more than likely they'll end up snapping right back in your face. So how big of a belief is big enough to throw it all down the drain because your partner isn't on the same exact page as you? Would you throw away a perfectly good friendship/marriage/partnership just because your significant other doesn't feel just like you do about something?

I wouldn't. Oh no, nuh uh, no way. True love is too hard to find. I'd be interested in hearing how you guys stack up on this issue. Would you let a good love go if they didn't share your beliefs on some issues?

Don't Go!

 My daughters' father is a nice man. I like him. I don't think we made such a great married couple but he's a good and loyal friend. I only want the very best for him. This brings me to the story for today.

The job market has been sort of unkind to my kid's father. I'll call him "L" for short. He is a brainiac computer wizard something or another and his job is fairly specialized so it's not really like he'll find 50 listings for his type of position. He got laid off in July and has not been able to land a good gig yet. I feel badly for him. He was like a fish out of water for a while.

Some of us in this world can handle change and surprises. He is not one of them. He's held 2, count them - 2 jobs in his professional life. I can't imagine only having had 2 jobs. I've had zillions of them before I found my niche. His layoff just about did him in. It made me very sad. As it is with many people these days, he's spent hours and days and months trying to find another job. If he doesn't find something soon he's going to have to take some drastic actions.

We lived in a very nice, very large home and when we divorced, I was the one who moved out. I hadn't worked in many years and once I found a job, the salary was extremely small compared to what he was making. I couldn't afford the house even if I wanted to. So in the years since we divorced he's kept the girl's home just that - their home. Now that his job prospects are looking so grim and he's having to dip into his savings account he's having to face the tough choice of considering selling the house. The girls don't want him to do it. He doesn't want to do it. I don't want him to do it but he's gotta do what he's gotta do.

In an attempt to fix a few things that needed fixing, he started going through some stuff that had accumulated in the 21 years we were married and the years since I've been gone. We were sort of like hoarders - we liked stuff and didn't like getting rid of things. We weren't anywhere near ready to go on the A&E show but we did collect a lot of stuff. I took a few things but knew that there were rooms and closets and attics that needed to be cleansed. One of the first steps in the process was to clear out some furniture that was in the way. That helped take some of the sting out of getting rid of it. I watched the piano being loaded up into a truck and when the people started to drive off I lost it. I just started crying like a little baby.

My grandmother gave me a lovely piano when I was a kid and I've had it ever since. I wanted to put it in the house where I live now, but there's not a place. I finally decided to offer it up to anyone at my work who wanted it. I didn't want money for it - it was a gift to me and I was going to pay it forward and make it a gift to someone else as long as they swore they'd give it a good home, take care of it and most of all, enjoy it. There was a lady who took me up on my offer and I think she was really excited about it.

I was watching an important item of my life leave for good. I sort of felt like I did the day I moved out of the house L and I shared for 14 years. I was overwhelmingly sad.

I know that L and I are going to have to go through the house and divide up stuff and de-clutter but boy is it going to be hard! It's going to feel like it did when L and I broke up - 'you take this and I'll take that' type of thing. I'll be OK because I've moved and know what it feels like to let go of a place I had lived in for 15 years. Like I said before, he doesn't like change or surprises. This will be both. I suggested to him that we take the task on a little at a time.

With any luck at all, he will find a great job and won't have to move but at least the place will have a lot less clutter. Because clutter can become oppressive. And we need happiness here, people! My goal is to help clean out the house and NOT carry 17 truckloads of stuff to my current home. I'm sure I'll see some stuff I haven't seen in years and think to myself that I really might need it one day. So yall wish me luck and strength to just say no to most things. And yall might wish L good luck in finding a job because I really don't want him to move away. And I really don't want the girls to lose their childhood home.

I got caught again...

I got caught doing something embarrassing again at work. You see, there are cameras everywhere so if I've got sagging hosiery or a mean wedgie, chances are that I'll be seen correcting the problem. Oh sure, I could go into the ladies room and adjust but it but usually I'm speeding to a conference room for a meeting and the crotch of my hose is rubbing my kneecaps, and I'm not going to take the time to run across the building for a bathroom. I'm going to find what I hope is a camera free hallway and hike those puppies up!

I'm not very subtle so my hose hiking maneuvers are pretty dang obvious. I grunt and groan, kick my legs all over the place, do a few squats to make sure the crotch is at MY crotch...you know, the usual L'eggs dance.

Wedgies aren't much better. I've master the "stand and pull" technique but sometimes my underoos get a little too...embedded to be subtle about it. Oh come on now, don't act all grossed out - you know you've had a killer wedgie before. Some of them almost hurt!

Anyway, as is the usual for me, I had a wedgie that just wouldn't quit and I HAD to fix it. I was in our elevator that just happens to be glass fronted but I was on a floor where it's not visible to the atrium. I figured I had a good 30 seconds before the elevator started to rise and would be visible for all to see but I wasn't quick enough. Mid-yank I rose up enough that anyone in our atrium could see that I was fighting the wedgie beast. There wasn't anywhere I could hide so I yanked my hand around my skirt to make it look like I was fluffing the fabric but I don't think I fooled anyone. Any woman who happened to look my way probably knew that I was putting about 700 psi worth of torque, trying to dislodge my offensive undies. Oh well, at least I wasn't flashing my boobie at a co-worker again.

I happened to be at my brother's house one time and I noticed that he kept squirming and adjusting his sweatpants in the crotch area. I was starting to think that he must of had crabs or something, judging by the way he was wiggling around.  Finally, he uttered a couple of curse words and jammed his hand down into his sweatpants and literally ripped his underwear off of his body. He told me that that particular set of drawers were cut wrong and they had a hole in a vital area and he never could get comfortable in them so he got so fed up, he ripped them off and threw them away.  That's one way to fix the problem! I don't think I can do that at work when I've got wedgie-wears on. I might freak everyone out.

Don't worry if you get caught adjusting. Everyone does it, they just usually manage to find a private spot to correct things. Me, I'll take my chances. If it's too uncomfortable, I'm going to tug and pull until I make things right. That's just the way I roll, people.

The Usual

It's a pretty Friday afternoon which means one thing...I'm outside drinking a beer burning stuff. At our little house in the woods I can make fires that reach 20 feet tall but here in the big old wicked city, I've got to keep things small.

I have an iron chiminea that I use way beyond what it was probably meant to be used for. Instead of a softly burning demure little fire, I've got flames shooting out the top of the chimney. Just the way I like it. I have a huge bald cypress tree in the back yard that unloaded about 36,000 pounds of "leaves" so it provided plenty of fire starting kindle. In no time flat I got a very nice fire going. On top of that, I am burning cedar logs so it smells really good. I haven't heard any fire trucks coming my way so I guess it's all good.

I just made the observation that it never seems to fail...when I build a fire I always seem to be wearing something dark. This means that I'm covered in tiny white ashes. I look like I've got the worst case of dandruff known to man. Cool, I think I'll go to the grocery store like this. It'll give the patrons something to wonder about. If I were rich, I'd go to the store covered in ashes and buy about 50 bottles of Selsen Blue.

Another thing I noticed while puttering in the back yard is that our little boy cat, Schwayze is growing into a testosterone filled young man. Or whatever it is that boy cats are filled with. I've noticed that he's been spraying (yecch!) to mark his territory and last night he came in with a new set of scratches and aches & pains. Then, when I was in the yard I discovered that it appears as if he's lost 1/3 of his fur. Must have been a hell of a scrap! He's such a cute little bad ass. Manchild is diligent about making sure he comes in at night so he won't get into fights and wind up with aches and pains and missing fur. Guess he missed that particular night.

Did you know that fish sort of go into hibernation when it gets cold? Yep, my little trio of future bad ass koi are pretty sluggish these days. It got down to about 28 degrees last night and when I went out to check on them this morning, I couldn't rouse them. Even dropping food into the pond didn't get them going. Food usually makes them frenzy-fied where they make the water look like it's boiling. OK, not really but they do swim around a lot. I decided to help them out a little and put a black tarp over the pond in the hopes of holding in some ground warmth. They may think they're in the darkness of outer space but at least they might be a little bit warmer. I'm thoughtful that way.

Can you tell that I'm lost in my own random thoughts all alone out here in the back yard on a Friday afternoon? My mind skips around like a ping pong ball in a tornado. I could be inside vacuuming or dusting or weeding out junk I've accumulated but instead, I'm out here deep thinking and drinking beer and stoking the fire. It's a great life I live. Wouldn't change a thing.

Facial Glop

 So I've been trolling blogs looking for inspiration and I came across http://karensomethingorother.blogspot.com/ who did a crazy funny story about Jersey Shore and makeup. It was so funny I decided to pay tribute to her and copy

her idea.

Have any of you watched Jersey Shore or Mob Wives or any of those guidette shows that seem to be so popular? The girls wear their makeup so thick, if you ran your fingernail down their cheek you'd get a clump of makeup on your fingertip! They are the 2K version of Tammy Faye. Don't know who Tammy Faye is? OMG, she was one of the original makeup queens. Who wore LOTS of mascara. I've tried to put on as much mascara as she wore and I can't do it!

Tammy Faye wore so much makeup, she was a iconic character. There were even T-shirts that made reference to the mass quantities of makeup she wore. See?

I work for a cosmetics company and we sell some really pretty stuff. Our stuff can really help you out in the skin department and lots of scientific research goes into all of our products. Please DO NOT think I'm ragging on my company. I'm not.

I'm going to show you how horribly wrong things can go when makeup is applied improperly. Where as KarenSomething decided to be a Jersey Shore girl, I'm trying to be a Tammy. First, I used a really cool makeover app . I chose some Tammy-like colors, and made sure to up the intensity. I also decided to see how I looked as a red head. What do you think?

For some reason, all 63 of my chins still showed up. Huh, guess I'll have to put on more foundation. The next experiment I'm going to try is the at home version.

AND NOW, THE PICTURES YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!

I'm going to show a procession of shots. The first one is of me first thing in the morning. Yes, that's leftover makeup from yesterday...

OK, so a little color is OK, right?

A little heavier but still somewhat respectable.

Getting even heavier. Sort of the Amy Winehouse look.

Full blown guidette dontcha think?

Half makeup on, half makeup off. Look how much junk is on my cleaning rag!!! I threatened Manchild that I'd go out shopping with him all day sporting this particular look. It may not be entirely visible but I've got enough bronzer on to tan 30 readheads. My skin started itching because it couldn't breathe! The pictures don't do justice to the amount of product I had on my face but trust me, it was pretty gross. I think I'll stick to my 48 year old, slightly saggy, slightly wrinkled, slightly made up face thankyouverymuch. Unless I get an eyebrow lift and some filler injected I am going to look like a 48 year old woman with the mental processes of a 20 year old. I'm a great guidette in my own mind.

House Afire!!!!!

One of my friends had their house catch fire and burn down recently. Luckily, the firefighters were able to save a few things from the house. Speaking of firefighters...

Um, what was I talking about? I read somewhere that to get lots of readership, you had to put good pictures in your blog. Did I?